Sunday, August 10, 2008
This hurts..
I smile and all..
But yet I dun understand what is this feeling inside me..
Everytime I smile..
Something breaks inside of me..
Everytime I laugh..
I'm just trying to get rid of these weird feelings..
Everytime I cry..
All these feelings stop overflowing me..
This really hurts..
.
I see others smiling..
And I ponder what's left to smile for..
I see others laughing..
And I wonder if it hurts to laugh..
I see others crying..
And I think it might be better to leave them that way..
.
I need to carry on..
But I've really no strength left to fight..
No weapons left to fight the monsters in my mind..
I can only stand there alone..
I'm always alone..
Inside that dark dark place..
No walls to mark the exterior..
No path to tell me where to go..
Sometimes it snows..
Sometimes it rains..
But the darkness never go away..
Its always there..
Surrounding me..
Its like a mist..
A fog more likely..
Surrounded by that haze I see things from a protected area..
Looking ard the dark and empty world I'm left in..
The only things I can see are footsteps..
There are only footsteps I left behind..
The only indicator that I'm still alive..
I force myself to breathe..
Force myself to think clearly..
But even if the mind is willing..
The body is weak..
I'm just pathetically weak..
I cant stop things from happening..
I can only lie still and dream..
Dream of a happy ending..
Which will never happen..
Dreaming is always possible..
Realising that dream is always not possible..
It's been that way since forever..
I think it might be better to hide in there forever..
So right now..
I'm putting a stop to all my movements..
I will not try to find a way out..
I will not try to escape from this protective fog..
Because I know I'm weak..
So I will not try to be strong..
Because I know I'm hurting..
So I will not try to smile and pretend nothing's wrong..
Because I know I'm protected..
So I will not try to exposed myself..
Because I know that the world is treacherous..
So I will not harm myself by appearing outside..
Because I know I will affect others..
So I will try to seal everything into a facade..
It's better to throw thrash to where they belong..
Into the dark and empty world that I originally belong..
I swear..
My heart is breaking..
There is almost nothing I can do to mend it..
Telling me not to give up..
Telling me not to emo..
I think all these will make me hurt even more..
Because I think..
That's all I excel at..
So don't take away my excels from me..
Not anymore..
Life at its worst.