Is this my existence?

Monday, March 24, 2008

in response to wad my cousin said..

i understand wad u are trying to tell me..

but sometimes i jus cant find wads wrong with me..

dats the main thing..

i try to be understand but wad the crap..

i cant do anything dat is to their liking..

i mean..

we had a "talk"..

but shit lah..

no much use at al can..

i do reflect..

but after reflecting..

i try to change..

but something screw up again..

dey will pick up from the past and once again pick on unhealed wounds..

so bascially i dun see the need to change much..

i reflect and change..

so wad else do dey wan from me..

i dun see any wrong in scolding my brother in the first place..

i dun noe wad to do u noe..

smetimes it jus hurts to even think back..

the night be4 i posted dat last post..

i was crying all night long..

reflecting on wad went wrong..

t be honest..

i dun mind if my bnrother results is better den me..

but the problem is dat dat is not the freaking case..

he is worse den me..

and so why shud i still be compared to him..

mum kept saying dat i'm influencing him in a bad way.

but the thing is dat i m so not freaing getting close to him..

and i'm lik shit totally different frm him can.

my attitude is bad..

bu not is the way dat he can scold me fuck in everyday life can..

rmb the times when we went SCC and i blew my top?

he scolded me 3 Fs..and bit_h..

for no apparent reason..

i hav really no desire to talk to him..

even if i were to tink abt my life..

and wad the hell i wanna do with my life..

i hav really no idea wad to do..

cos i dun hav the potential..

i dunno lah..

i jus feel lik veri raw and exposed..

lik anyone can see thru my feelings and hurt me..

i dunno larhs..

to me..

nth i impt anymore..

Friday, March 21, 2008

I donno why i'm starting to tink this way..

but all along..

i'm trying my best to endure all the hurting words dat was put thru to me..

sometimes..

i noe dat wadever the person said was jus in the spur of the moment..

sometimes they nv really meant wad they say..

but words..when said cant be retrieved back..

u cant jus undo the words dat u said..

all along..

these words and they pain dey caused accumulate inside me..

mainly from my family..

the words dey use..

dey word simply slice thru the heart..

leavin no mercy..

and it happens everytime i talk to them..

be it casual talk..

or wadever dat jus flows thru..

apparently..

dey hate my guts..

dey hate my attitude..

i wonder if they even hate me..

cos dats wad they said..

if i was nv born..

mummy wont hav to give up her high-paying job to takkaire of me..

if i was nv born..

mummy wont hav to spend so much of their savings to cure my blind eye..

if i was nv born..

mayb my brother could hav all the things i had..

i tink dat way too..

my daddy once told me to be strong and not let anyone hurt me..

i did dat..

i appear strong..

i repel all those who hate my guts..

i allow those with sincerity to come closer to me..

but i nv ever embrace someone truely..

cos i've been betrayed so many times..

been injured so many times..

i hav no idea who to trust..

i hav no idea who to believe..

but i'm tired now..

tired of acting stronger den i am..

tired of acting happy when i'm not..

tired of tying to be helpful..

tred of thinking for others when dey dun appreciate it..

tired of holdin my anger to not let arguements start afresh..

tired of giving my all and let others say dat its crap and bullshit..

tired of trying to hold back tears..

i'm been crying these fews days..

alone to myself..

but i kept up appearances..

i did wad was expected of me..

i behaved lik a good girl at home..

little interaction with family = lesser chance of arguements..

lesser talking with frens = lesser chance i shoot someone..

i spend lesser time with family now with all the camp preparation and stuff..

so i went out with them no matter how much i hate going out..

going out with them really is bad..

dey tend to argue abt the slightest thing..

and the worst part is when dey wan me to take sides..

i hate dat the most..

taking sides to them means which u favour..

if i take my dad's side, my mum will say "ppl hav daughter is cos wan them to take the mum's side..only u this -insert ur imagined words- girl will take ur dad's side.."

if i take my mum's side, my dad wont say anything..

but i noe from the look he gave me he is disappointed wit me..

tell me..

wad can i do in these situation?

these few times..

brother's exams coming near..

comparisions starting once again..

between my results and his attitude..

i hav no idea wadthe hell is she tinking all these times..

i i'm here to be the cutting end of ur blunt remarks i will no take it..

but it seems lik there is no choice..

i do not wan to relive ytd's experiences..

i dun hav a choice..

since i'm living under the same roof as them..

its been lik more den 10 hours i haven spoken to dem..

dey talk to me i stare back at them..

dey jus dismiss me as a mute..

i've been screaming ytd till my throat was sore..

my last words to them is dat i will not talk to them..

and i intend on keeping dat promise..

i'm not going to try to act strong again..

i'm jus going to let things come my way..

if i kills me den i'll jus accept it..

i'm tired of acting strong..

tired of everything..

somehow..

i despise them for making my life this way..

and not even knowing dat i'm holdin back my words for them..

i hate them.....

Monday, March 10, 2008

back from trial camp le..

nth much to say..

wasnt happy at all on the last day..

was not supposed to be dat way..

i tot it would end on a happier and lighter note for all of us but i was wrong..

i couldn't really blame it on anyone..

mayb jus blame it on my past experience..

the seniors put up a show to test us..

i believe test our endurance and limits and wad not..

it might be effective..

but definitely not to me..

dey played a show and den later dey told us dat all the pumpings we did..

the act of dismissing of the vice president...

all the feelings dat we experienced and all..

were all lies cos dey played a joke on us..

everything was planned..

i mus say i'm glad dat no one was dismissed and all..

but i cant take it when i realised we were all lied to..

its lik the same thing dat happened in the past..

sth i dowan to rmb..

i cannot express myself in words..

the anger and fear i felt..

i noe its not intentional..

but i still cannot bear it..

in short..

i trusted them and dey made me lose my trust in them..

i hate being lied to.

i would hav a hard time forgetting dat..

the feeling of being lied to..

to remind myself..

I'm in log team..

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Rawr...lik super cold today can..

haven been talking to wendy for ages le..>.<

den ytd she called me regarding work..

and talked from work to other stuff..

been lik weeks since we last talked to each other..>.<

so its jus happened dat we talked from 11 - 1..

nice numbers huh..

first convo was lik for half hour be4 her batt went flat..>.<

den she called back later..

and wham..2 hours and 11 mins..>.<

haha..i haven talked to someone on the phone for dat long le..

though our record was lik 4 hours..

wondering wad we were talking abt..

suddenly so much stuff to say...=)

till can talk for 4 hours..

haha...

also quite long ago le..

hmmm..

planning to go out with wendy next fri..

one day be4 training..=)

rawr...cos dat day return results and also i dun really wanna be alone..

later i emo den die...>.<

going sakae!!!!

haven gone sakae wif her for lik centuries..

and this time i gotta eat more plates of unagi den her..=X

rawr..6 march le..so fast sia..

YEP ppl having their flght today..

to yunnam..

rawr...

till 20 den come back..

rawr..

6 gotta go work cant really send them off even though their flight delayed..

20 also got work...rawr...

dun really think can go and see them also..

bad timing bad timing..>.<

rawr...

oh well..

i still got book accompany me for these few days..

dats enuf for me..=)