Is this my existence?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Hmmm...
haven blog for quite some time ler..
been thinking lots abt stuff and all dats been happening to my life..
parents talking to me abt my life..
telling me wad to do..
and i listening to wad they have to say almost daily..
making decisions dat i dun wanna make..
holding myself together to face a new dae..
parents been talking to me abt relationships..
and friendships and all dat..
not as if i dunno..
but dey wanted me to know wad they tink abt it all...
so the thing is dat i'm not supposed to have any relationships right now..
haiz..i'm 17 for god's sake..
why still hav to restrict i dun get it..
dey said dat it will be for my own good..
and dat this way i can learn how to protect myself..
dey dowan early relationships to hurt and harm my future..
i dun get it..honestly..
i dun understand why the big fuss abt it..
i catch no reason behind wad they wan me to do anyway..
dey make it dat i'm able to hav normal friendships..
jus being normal friends and all dat..
mum dun agree to lemme get involved in relationships..
i hav no choice but to agree..
dats why i had to end relationship..
and now wad do i get..
dey are starting to interfere in my friendships and all dat..
on wad friends i shud make and which friend i shud not..
this is ridiculous..
i mean..
this is my life man..
i hav no idea why are u trying to mess it up..
i have my own rights to deal with my own life and to tell the truth..
i rather dat u leave me alone and lemme deal with my own problems by myself..
u always tell me dat if i have problems i can find u guys to discuss..
i would do dat..gladly..
but pls dun try to 'help' me deal with my problems when i did not ask u for help..!!!
i hav no idea how u found out abt all these stuff..
but i certainly hope dat u didnt use ur methods dat u adopt in sec sch..
by asking my friends wth i am up to..

its really unfait to me..

i need to have my life and my privacy too..

its not all open for u to jus walk in and out and tweek my life to ur likes..

i'm not blaming u for trying to help me solve my problems..

i need to learn how to solve it by myself..

for now i tink i need some time alone..

to think thru things..

some stuff are going to fast for me..

some stuff i cant get wad its really trying to mean..

i cant settle my stuff all at a go..

with showstopper and all the dance practice coming up here and there..

and work at the tuition centre..

and the homework dat will soon be flooding in..

and problems problems and more problems..

now i wonder how i felt dat i can deal with poly life..

i'm starting to have second thoughts now abt my deciion to come into poly..

jus cant help tinking abt it when i'm trying to coax myself to slp..

i believe dat wad i'm experiencing are affectin my work and stuff..

i noe cos Teacher Elaine started to tell us abt the mistakes in themarking of the papers..

me and Sijia seem to have the same problems..

i dun tink Wendy have tis problem bah..

she seems always able to juggle all her daily stuff and keep them in order..

though i noe she had put in lots of effort to do dat..

mayb i shud take a leaf out of her book..

but sometimes i look at her and i kinda envy her..

she is able to do so many thngs and able to do them well..

she noes wad she wants in the future..

she believe firmly in wad she does and dat it will lead her to her goals..

i got this feeling dat i honestly shud change my character and my thinking..

i always hate to plan things..

i rather let others plan and decide for me for some stuff...

becos i find planning and making it a reality tough..

becos alot of things can nv come true..

and faults will always occur..

no such thing as a perfect outing..

and i'm no the kind of ppl dat is bright and uber alert..

and can change the thinking as fast as a wink of the eye..

i'm not dat superb..

i'm not dat clever and quick..

but i really need to change sth of me..

else i guess i'll jus add into my bad attitude..

i'm jus hoping tym will jus stop and lemme think abt wad i hav to do one step at a tym..

but dats not possible..

cos tym waits for no one..

but i really tink all i need is jus tym..

i need tym to tink..

i need tym to decide..

i need tym to pick myself up..

i jus need lots of tym..

haiz...

i really dunno wad to do now.

and i hate it when this happens..

cos i feel so lost and so..

jus cant place the feeling somehow..

jus feel dat..

its super weird..

lik i'm not needed..

not so much of dat..

more of..

uh...

alone and not allowing ppl to come too close..

yea..i guess dats it..

i dunno how to open myself and accept the help of others..

i onli noe how to close all my emotions and feeling and thoughts to myself..

even though when others ask me wad i'm feeling..

i cant answer..

cos i cant find the word to explain myself..

and also i'm not ready to let others share my burden too..

-no one knows the real me-

Sunday, October 07, 2007

I'm back from my super duper long camp..
ok lah..
actually also not dat long..
3 days 2 nights..
hmmm...
the camp was at Kota Tinggi..
somewhere in Malaysia..
i also not sure where...
haha..
i noe the place we went to was actually a resort of some sorts..
was surrounded by hills lor..
so when we shouted..
the echo was lik so damn cool^^
actually the resort was really nice..
the facilities were not dat bad..
but the outdoor toilet ah..
erm..
cannot flush for some weird reason..
okok..i shan't go into the details..~
later i lose my appetite..>.<

ok.. so from the resort got this long shaky wooden bridge to our campsite..
almost fell cos i uber clumsy..
clumsy sot0ng..>.<>has to balance on some platform attached to floating barrels in the mudpond i mentioned earlier..
objective: to get as many mates over to the other side..

a vs game with lots and lots of disaters..
cos the SGLs cr8 tsunami (splashing mudwater)..
earthquake (rocking the platforms side to side)
their objective is to make us fall so we have to start all over again..lol..
i fell twice in vs game...
cos the platform too slippery ler...
drank mud water.. haiz..lik non stop drinking lidat der...
dun nid to say also noe it taste horrid..T.T
den later the trainers told us we had to work with the SGL to get as many ppl across as possible..
Oh well..three gl including me manages to move on close to the mddle platform..
two of them fell..i was the onli one still holding on to the stupid platform..

bleah~
in the end i was practically hanging on for my dear life..
the trainers all trying to make all of us fall lor..
but most of us didnt..whee..=D
in the end the trainers said shud have placed a video cam pointing at me..
cos my facial expression veri interesting..
lmao..i was trying my best to contain my laughter when i heard dat..

but didnt last for long..
cos the next moment i was almost drinking the muddy water ler..
yuck..
but i stayed on and held on to two planks..-.-
was tough seh..cos right hand holding platform..
left hand holding one plank..
left foot stepping on another plank..
right leg trying to hold onto the platform..bleah..
lik sot0ng lidat..
suddenly lik got lots of hands and trying to do so many things at a tym..
oh well..

i rmb after the Indiana Jones thingy..

we were to the huge pond i told ya in the beginning of the post..

we had jetty jump..

meaning we wore the lifevest and jumped in the pond..

lmao..the water when u first jumped in was cold..

den as u swim out to the shore..

the water became warm..

feeling was so nice..

den at the shore the water was freezing seh..

haha..

as usual i drank water again..>.<

and not to forget we went to this beautiful place..

where are huge expanses of pure water..

clean and really clear water..

from the waterfall i tink..

i've nv seen it in singapore be4 though..

one of malaysia['s many natural habitat i guess..

anyway..we spent tym there as we were unable to do river cascading cos of the low tide..

so we played some games and den the rest of it was free time for us..

aphriodite went downstream to play..wjhere the water was deeper..

man i keep slipping cos my shoes were too slippery..

den later clothes all so heavy..

i couldnt really swim well..haha

and i was pushed underwater for spome time..

and drank waer again..

so i said dats no need for me to drink water after going to the shore..

i drank too much in the river and all dat..

haha..^^
dat was the first dae..
lets see...main thing on second dae was the hike up mount phanti bah~
the bois carried the heavy stuff lik the jerry cans..
and the shower bag which is filled to the brim...
bleah..the hike upwards was tedious..
we had to support one another..
exchange wad we are carrying..so dat each of us can have a rest..
support helping encouraging..
dats wad we do during the hike up..
we took quite a number of rests..
cos we were'nt used to it..
and its super tiring..
the mountain was super steep..
dere were tons of obstacles also..
tree trunks to be climbed over..rocks to be avoided..
branches and roots to take note of..we practically got to look out for one another lor..
i tink dat was the main aim of the hike..
not so much of trying to complete it but more of trying to make sure we take a look out for each other and make sure dat the others are safe and sound..
oh..and also to make sure dat we can bond with each other..
den we had lunch at the summit..
the view was magnificient..
bleah..going down was easier..lesser stops for rests..
and reached the camp with 3 hours for our grp to shower and prepare for campfire..
so..as our grp theme is supposed to be 'sexy'
and so we came up with a grp dance..
hell we all had no experience with dat theme..
got the SGLs to help give us some ideas..
den we ownselves modify it..
we paired up..
mostly the dance moves were more for the girls i tink..
cos we also donno wad to choreo for the guys anyway..
dey all stand there and act dao..=D
so in the end..
zi ying partner with jonathan kor kor..
morgan daddie with ying min..
yu yan with ryuta..
john and me..
was fun lah..
but i was so stressed be4 the start of it i got a dreadful headache after dat..
luckily got daddie and yew jia yi yi ard..
though i still tink i veri lik the light bulb ard them..>.<>

so after dat had supper and reflections again..

den went to slp..

tent was abit stuffy..and i didnt fall aslp dat quick..

oh well..

after half hr of stoning den i slept..

so nth much..after came bak to spore..

was fast aslp in the bus..

cos i was veri scared i'll get motionsickness and all dat..

went bak to sch.,.

did the usual pumpings...

den my daddy came to fetch me home..

reached home and slept..

-.-

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

2 october 07

mmm...went back to sch to learn dance steps for the showstopper mass dance..

paired up with raffy^^

wad can i say abt it..

erm..

i can see dat not all is trying their best to cooperate..

not dat i'm saying anything but..

some dun pay much attention to Elias..

the main choerographer for the mass dance..

den become he so stress...

but but..

we managed to complete the mass dance movements ler^^

izzit it great~

now we jus nid to settle de all girls and all guys parts of the song and the choreo..

bleah...i tink its going to be another tiring dae cfm der..=X

and i realised dat Cheney was choreo-ing the hiphop dance ler..

he changed the moves and i gotta relearn..

i got the legs movement..

but i cant settle the hand..

oh well..

he said to pract in front of the mirror..

so i shall do dat bah..

when i hav the tym..

which is nv..=X

3 october 07

todae got GLs^^

but have to go to briefing for the OTC first..

went early and talked to mei..

lols..

seeing u lidat..

i heartpain leh..

mei..i noe u are stressed out ler..

let go of some stress..

think abt sth else for the tym being..

think abt me..( :

LoL..>.<

i damn bhb..>.<

but now u ok ler den i also relieved ler^^

jiayouus bah^^

Monday, October 01, 2007

30 sept 07

went out with wendy..

den went to have lunch at the lvl 5 foodcourt..

during the tym in the foodcourt..

i was smsing..furiously..

he told me he was in cwp also..

i really wanted to meet him..

but was with wendy..

so skipped the chance..

went walking ard after lunch..

cos we still had a bit of tym to kill be4 going to work...

den last part went to pasar malam..

went to buy a drink cos i was uber thristy..

den decided to go to burger king to use the washroom..

walked there den saw him..

nv really felt dat i missed him until the moment i saw him again..

den i finally realised dat i really missed him lots..

bleah..the feeling didnt really show nor did i fell it much..

2 weeks nv see him ler..

den saw him again..

was really veri happy..

but abit sad also..

cos i noe after this chance meeting of a mere 5 mins..

i have to go to work..

and the next tym i get to see him will be another 2 weeks..

because of my OTC on thr 5,6,7 oct..

haiz...

1 oct 07

Slept at 2 am..

i slept pretty early...

den missed out smsing..

lol...

heard dat mary jie and sammie jie and shifu going out tgt..

but dey last min decide..

so last min tell me..

so i also last min cannot go..

nvm bah..i tink another tym still can go bah..

if still got another chance be4 sch reopens..

or after also can..

but i noe after sch reopen dey cfm veri busy der..>.<

actually can go out and meet dear der..

but no more ler..

so i went to meet teacher elaine and wendy and sijia at cwp..

went to popular to find dem and found dem buying some stationaries..

as presents for the children...

cos its children's dae gift..

uber good rite..

i 17 now dun hav ler..

deem as too old to be children ler..>.<

oh well..

rulers and erasers..

the tots dat counts bah^^

and den work went as it shud...

oh oh..

i rmb almost got a gang fight...

cos of someone playing wif a balloon..

inflating and deflating it..

apparently it irritated a sec 4 guy..

and vulgar come out of his mouth..

den got a whirlwind of events later..

and i saw a jolly enormous part of it^^

the cousin of the balloon-blowing guy..

was part of a gang and blew his top..

so called his fwens over..

i tink basically both sides wanted to rest the case liao..

but the cousin was hot-headed..

and refused to stop..

so the thing went on as usual lor..

dey went off..

i noe the teachers came and apparently got tons of peace talks..

den the fwen of dat cousin came..

damnit..

a sec 3 girl who looked so innocent..

first words out of the mouth..

"what are u trying to do?"

i was lik..marking my papers over there..

and i stone..

bloody hell..

big strong guys listening to sec 3 girls..

lols..

i was lik sian 1/2...

haiz...oh well..

no more ler..

i noe i gotta wake up early for the dance moves learning tml..

sign off ler..

-now then i noe wad is the true meaning of missing you-