Is this my existence?

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Hmmm...tried out my new keybpard der..

not too bad...

but still pretty not used to it yet bah...

not used to the sound i mean...

cos lapp and this kb is abit different somehow...=D

oh well...

the kb is MINE!!!

wahaha...

and i wont spoil my lapp also ler^^

use my own money...abit heart pain...

oh well...

i'll get it bak somehow...=D

_______________________________

Hmmm...dear reach home rmb go charge phone..

i wan sms...

haiz...one week nv sms ler..

i wu di sian...

______________________________

hmm...nth else to say ler..

so happy can play whole day..

ok..half a dae...

erm..and wendy...

if u read this...

dun hav to call me ler...

cos my mum dowan me to disturb her when she playing game..

so i mus be guai..

cannot disturb her...>.<

gib u an answer early tml morning..

YAY!!!
SOOOOO HHAAAPPPPPYYYY!!!!!
i finally bought an external USB keybpard ler^^
can play games on my lapp using the arrow keys and not afraid to let parents scold me ler^^
18 bucks in exchange for no more scolding on problems of the lapp...
pretty worth it dun u tink^^
happy lik no tml^^
shall go try it out on audi and lunia later bah^^
heehee...
can play 8k on lapp also ler^^

28 September 07
Today is not a very good dae for me…
Woke up at 9 todae..
Cos I have to go to sch at 11 am to discuss GL group games..
Reached there at 1110am..
As usual..late…
Hahas…lols…
Oh well.. at least I’m the second person to reach there…
Den we discussed the games and the venue and most of the stuff..
But we managed to ready and settle up most of the stuff..
Was already 150pm when we finished the discussion..
Went to SIM to have our lunch at megabites..
Haven been there for ages..
The food standard is still ok bah..
Nv drop..nv increase…
Later went to work..reached abt 330pm..
When reached the tuition place was lik everyone didn’t have much to do..
So I jus read the answers out for wendy..
Too bored for words…
Wahahah~
So I self declare myself broke..
No more money..haha…
And I still have to pay for for my OTC..
Overseas training camp dat is happening on the 5 6 7 of oct..
Sad I dun have tym to go out..T.T
Oh well..
We will still meet up some day bah..^^
So nearing 10pm when I wrote this..
I realized I have another uber long nickname..
Haiz…wendy lor..
So ‘creative’..
She said dat I’m LSS..
Lion cum sotong cum squirrel…
She uber clever in coming up wif type of things..
Haiz…she still actually plan to add more names der…
But I tink all of them are too cute for me…
Lols…
She always lik to come up wif all these things…
In her blog she also got say me..T.T
See…she so bad..T.T
I also nv say her nickname der lor…
Si solar bear…
Bad bear creature..
Hrump…
I chose to ignore her when she said dat..
Lols…she so uber bad…
Bleah…

Hmm…piggi dear coming back today ler..
I tink shud be at night bah~
But sad sad I cant go out on Sunday..T.T
Most of the days I also cannot go out..
Cos I’m still grounded…
Really wanna cry liao…
Haiz…now I tink can only o to work and go to sch for cca and grp meeting…
Haiz…

Today was more of coaching ppl bah…
Took a sec 2 sci class..
And somemore is chemistry..
Not one of my strong subs..
Not dat I have any strong subs to speak of…
Oh well…
Was feeling not so good today..
Abit more of the stoning side ler..
Practically was thinking of how to do the proposal for my grp games..
Didn’t concentrate much on the work in front of me bah..
In short..not concentrating at all…=X
Suddenly tot of sth..
One whole chunk of Chinese words that literally means that life is meaningless..
And I donno why suddenly tot of dat full phrase or wadsoever u call dat..
Cant think of the reason why though…
Sets me off thinking..
Izzit really dat my life is full of the meaningless things and is dat y I suddenly tot of these stuff..
No idea..
But I put my mind to the thinking..
I dun really feel dat way though…
Only occasionally though…
When I’m uber…really down and emoing dat tym..
But now I’m still fine..
I tink………
-feeling abit out of sorts…somehow~-

Sunday, September 23, 2007

22 sept
Woke up at 11am todae..
Was awake way earlier den dat…
Just didn’t want to wake so early so I wont have to face the others..
11am is not a good timing also..
Got forcefully commanded to wake up..
Switch off the fan and throw the blanket over me and close the windows and the doors…
Cos my room can keep heat well..so became so hot I ‘wake’ up…
Typical method to wake me up..
Wake up dun feel lik talking to anyone…
And was feeling hungry from 8 am onwards..
So instead of waiting for the typical questions on where to eat ad wad to eat..
I went to eat some bread by myself..
And so just as I’m finishing my bread..
Mum came out from her rm after talking for lik 2 hrs..
And ask me wad the hell am I eating bread…
And everything started from there again..
I had a plastic bag dat I was drying at the balcony..
And she was there and was lik screaming at me why I placed it there…
“Why u put the bag here?!”
“to dry lah..wad else..”
“u this girl got learn bio de..u dunno likdat cannot dry the bag one meh?
Dunno u learn bio for wad der..learn liao also nv use..
Waste my my money and…”
It continues..and I’m so lazy to listen..i just kept quiet..
Typical dae at home…
So does dat means dat I learn bio I mus noe all this things…
I learn bio means I mus noe which medicine I mus eat and wad I cant eat..
and dat I mus noe all the names of the plants..else I’ll be wasting the money spent on me?
In sec 3 and 4..
I learn physics so I mus noe how I shud hang the clothes..and where..
So dat it can dry faster?
I learn chemistry so I mus noe which chemical can cause explosion..
And mus learn all the properties of the chemicals in the periodic table?
So I learn maths I mus noe all the angles and all the formulas of them?
I learn eng so means I mus be able to speak proper eng better den u?
I learn humanities so I mus noe and learn from all the mistakes of our preancestors?
I learn music so I mus be able to play the piano and be able to read the score..
So izzit dat wadever I learn..i hav to excel in it?
I’m not dat good u noe..
I’m just a typical girl in this typical world..
Nth more den dat..
I dun see u saying dat to Melvyn at all..
Oh right..i forgot..
He’s the apple of ur eye rite..
I totally forgot abt dat..
I’m sorry if I ever injure dat apple of yours with the words I use..
Ok..i’m not exactly sorry…
I just hate it when u favour him more..
Oh rite..i noe dat I’m jealous..and so wad?
I hate dat u try to protect him wif all u have…
When he fail his maths and physics and all dat..
U didn’t beat him lik u did to me when I flunk my physics only..
Do u noe dat it seems to me dat u r shielding him more…
I try to ignore it..because he is younger den me..
I take it dat he needs more care and more guiding..
I tot u would sit wif him and guide him along wif his work..
But no..
U didn’t do dat..
U jus talked to him getting better marks next tym else u would cane me..
Dats not how u told me when I flunked my physics…
U told me I had better fucking buck up else u would chase me out of the hse and ask me to work instead of studying..
Because I waste more money den him…
And I can work better den him..
All right..i noe u are stingy wif ur compliments..
So I take dat u are praising me on my work..
But do u noe how much it took me to convince myself dat u are actually praising me wif those words..
I felt lik a fool sometimes…
Trying to convince myself dat wad u r saying is for my benefit..
I nv said it out be4..
But I had enuf of trying to keep them to myself and suffering..
Sometimes..i really wonder how much u actually love me..
I really feel insulted when u scolded me..
But I control my temper..becos I really dowan to quarrel wif u..
It’ll end up wif more troubles den be4..
And I hate having more troubles den I already have..
But sometimes..the words dat u say..
Are too much dat I really cannot take it..
And den the quarrels start..
I dun deny the fact dat it was me dat first started the quarrel and all..
I dun deny dat it was my actions dat first sparked u off..
I dun deny the fact dat my childish actions trigger ur anger..
In fact all the quarrels at home are the effects of my childish actions..
I dun deny it..
I noe dats its true..
I cant get rid of my childish actions..
Because dats wad I am..
Childishness is my nature..
I cant change dat..neither can u..

okok...i had enuf of all dat..

23 sept..

saw the tag wendy ask me to do..sth abt the personality test..

oh yea..i'm bored..=D

and i noe this is onli part 1...

5 things in bag:

1. jacket

2. wallet

3. mp3

4. comb

5. rubbish collected over the years..=X

5 things in wallet:

1. money (of cos..else how to do out..><)

2. safra card

3. speedy cyber cafe card of some sort

4. neoprints!!

5. audition acash cards..=X

5 favorite things at home:

1. my bed..

2. laptop

3. my megre collection of comics

4. my bio notes and txtbook..=D

5. a caricature of myself..(cos its looks weird..=D like me^^)

5 things i want:

1. to be online forever..

2. to be able to replay all my piano scores..

3. to play audi for days straight

4. to get chemistry out of my life...

5. to slp..

5 things im doing now:

1. trying to control my temper..

2. listening to wendy's blog music..

3. trying to have a piece of music i want..

4. waiting for sms...

5. waiting for tym to pass to go to work..

5 people i want to tag:

(tag liao mus do hor...)

1. Joel..

2. Mary jie

3. Sammie Jie

4. Jiesheng

5. Shifu?

yay!! i finally reached part 2 ler..

mus jiayouus..i feeling uber tired..>.<

1. Relationship with Wendy

friends for 4 yrs and 7 months..friends dat quarrel lots especially during camps but still remian as friends after dat..( and i still dunno how we stop our cold war..=X)

2. Five impressions of her

->Serious (sth abit too serious and cant get the joke..=X)

->Extremely studious..(walao she get good grades..T.T)

->Super good at arguing wif me..=D (i like dat^^)

->Perfectionist... (most of the tym...)

->She shuts up when she's not happy..dats my cue to stop talking to her for a while and let her cool down so i wont be shot at when i try to talk to her..=X

3. Most Memorable Thing she has done for me

Huh~I dunno leh..i tinkler den write again..=X

4. Most Memorable Words she said to Me

"Walao..dat arrogant person so lousy..faster end the whole thing..."

it was a phone conversation and i tink only she understands wad it mean..

(dat is if her stm nv make her forget it..=X)

5. If she Becomes My Enemy

Erm..I make sure I'll be in different countries from u...

6. Most Desireable Thing I Want to do With her

Take neoprint wif her...cos the expression we cook up in neoprints seems more natural den anything..=D

(i still lik the previous one more den anything..=D)

7. Overall impression

Eh..great friend to have if u dun step on her toes..

but yea..if onli she is a boi....

-thinks too far ler^^-

8. How Do You think People Around Feel About You

I dunno...mayb dey see me as a person trying to act cute sometimes..

and a veri lazy person..one who likes to emo lik nobody's business...

But..i keep most of my expressions to myself..and yea..i dun really lik to show my feelings..

9. Characteristics i Love About Myself

->heck-care attitude

->the way my hands can trun at the elbow^^

->my obession for audition..

11. Ideal Person i Want to Be

I love being myself..

though i would gladly want a family who has lesser problems den mine...

12. 5 people to tag (I just took the names from the previous entry... Haha~)

the same names from the part 1..ty^^

whee...another test..

lmao...can really see i uber bored lor...=D

wendy was rite..the #9 i also kena...>.<

You entered: Millison Chua Lynn Shan
There are 20 letters in your name.

Those 20 letters total to 90

There are 6 vowels and 14 consonants in your name.
Your number is: 9

The characteristics of #9 are:

Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression.

The expression or destiny for #9:

The expression that you exhibit is represented bythe number 9.

Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches.

You like to help others as you were intended to be the 'big brother or big sister' type.

You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others.

You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire.

This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel.

Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression.

It's possible that you're not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time.

Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent.

Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.
If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others.

Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view.

You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world.

You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others.

Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important.
Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered.

If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics.

It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role.

Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression.

Your Soul Urge number is: 11
A Soul Urge number of 11 means:

With the 11 Soul Urge, much of your thinking and interests relate to the abstract, the spiritual, and utopian dreams.

You are motivated toward idealistic concepts, and the sharing of your ideas and concepts with humanity.

This number is not one that is giving in a material or a practical sense, but rather one who desires to help mankind with a more abstract commodity such as religion, spiritualism, occult studies, or even psychic abilities.
If you possess the positive 11 Soul Urge traits, you have a dream of the perfect world;

you are highly idealistic and inspirational.

Your inner strength and devotion to your beliefs are extremely strong.

You have a very good mind that is especially well equipped to handle the higher, more abstract forms of thought.
If there is an excess of 11 energy in your makeup, you may possess some the negative 11 traits. There is a tendency for the 11 to produce considerable amounts of nervous tension which is bought on by a very high level of awareness.

You may be too sensitive and overly emotional.

In some cases, these sensitivities and emotions are quite repressed, and this tends to add even more to the sense of nervousness in the makeup.
The strong 11 is not a very practical person because of the extreme idealism; often, there is a degree of self-deception present.

There is usually a rather fixed idea of right and wrong held by those showing strong 11 traits, and with this very often is a resulting attitude of inflexibility.

Your Inner Dream number is: 7
An Inner Dream number of 7 means:

You dream of having the opportunity to read, study, and shut yourself off from worldly distractions.

You can see yourself as a teacher, mystic, or ecclesiastic, spending your life in the pursuit of knowledge and learning.

As of 9/23/2007 12:25:08 AM EDT

You are 17 years old.

You are 207 months old.

You are 904 weeks old.

You are 6,322 days old.

You are 151,728 hours old.

You are 9,103,705 minutes old.

You are 546,222,308 seconds old.

lmao...those highlighted in cyan are those i tink are impossible or diesnt show in me..

the rest i heck care^^

okay wendy..i did wad u ask me to do ler..

another uber long post^^

Saturday, September 22, 2007

21 sept
Was an off day for me todae…
Actually meant to play games throughout or jus go to wendy hse and play games or sth lidat…
Anyway…woke pretty late todae…cos was freaking tired..
Went online for a while be4 going bak to slp with a freaking headache…
Den later receive an sms from mum…
Asking me to bring out her chequebook to her at cwp..
So ok…I roused myself from my slp and went out…
She was at popular…so I went..
I’m still having dat fuckin headache dat wont subside and the noise in cwp is not helping either.
Dat naturally puts me in a foul mood…
And I mean really foul mood…
Went and pretend I was alright..
My aunts was there…so jus keep abit quiet and talk abit here and there…
Den later went to basement…by then I was already very black face ler…
Cos dat fucking headache would not just leave me alone…
Den mum was lik thinking dat it because I dowan to go out wif her and all dat crap…
I also lazy to explain to her..dat was a headache…
Den she started ranting to me abt how I lik going out wif my frens and not wif my family..
As I mentioned be4…
I merely grunted cos I’m trying to rein in my temper..
Which dat stupid headache is causing me…
And she started grumbling and askng me to go home if I’m not happy going out wif her…
Lmao…ask me to go out..den chasing me away lik chasing dog lidat..
wad the fuck u trying to do seh…
I not ur slave to be called and there der…
U tink I wad…I bring it out for u because I dowan u to come bak home and walk so many tymes…
Later u leg pain and then u will be there grumbling to me…
Abt how I lik to help others and not helping u…
I’m sick and tired of hearing dat liao…been hearing dat for dunno how many years liao…
And so..went to buy stuff to eat…lmao…
Buy liao go wif her to the bank…jus lik a good doggie shud be doing…following the master…
Following ard even when carrying her stuff dat she bought…
Jus lik a good dear pet…
So fine went to the bank liao…she made me wait there for her lik 15 mins while she start to enquire abt some stuff dat sounds stupid to my stupid mind…
And den she keep changing her mind abt the wadever plan she actually wants when the girl at the counter told her abt hew plans…
Lmao…IMO I dun tink even need to tink lor…
Jus stick to wad u plan…
And so…after dat becos she decided to get some person to tell her abt the new plan thingy…she told me to go home..
So as a good lil doggie I went home carrying her items dat she bought…
Placed all the stuff bak home ler and ate my lunch liao I went online and talk to 2 of my di and niisan…
Talk abit more den mainly is looking at them talk liao..was pretty alright till I told Mel dat mummy is not coming bak so soon…
Den he started to go and play the computer…
Still wan me not to tell mummy…wad the fuck he tink he is…
Everytime I block for him…nv tell mummy den mummy tink is I play whole dae while he’s the one whu study and study lik fuck everydae…
Den I tio scolding and cant play nor can I go out…
Wad the hell izit lor…
And as a fucking older sister I’m supposed to help him…
Wad is this man…this is not wad is expected of me lor…
Asking me to take care of a brother hu is not interested in his studies no matter how much I try to help him in his sch work..
Honestly I tink teaching Ryan or anyone in the tuition centre is so much better…except for a few…
Lmao…dat one is cannot make it der…
So he carries on playing despite me telling him to stop…
He doesn’t want to…
One day dat fucking dota game will cfm kill u in ur studies…already flunk ur physics and maths liao…
Still dowan to buck up…
Lmao…I flunk my physics u got see me playing already mah…
I already down there trying to pia my stuff from the beginning chapters..
In the end pass I still not happi lor…den from den on I still trying my best to maintain lor…
Pls lah…and dun use me as an excuse ok…
Wad I can do u so sure u also can do mah…
I can play and den study…
Den stop playing to tudy…
U sure u can mah…
I nv see u even flipping ur physics book at all lah…
Not even be4 exams…
Somemore now mummy wan me to help u in physics I can try…I started to read up on my physics again…
Even though I dun even need physics in my poly course…
I can do this much to help u…but I dun even see u trying to help urself at all…
Everytime I try to teach u…ur attention span Is lik shit lidat…
Everytime see other place and not even listening when I ask u to repeat…
I honestly tink teaching u is a fucking waste of my tym when I can easily just spend dem all on games…
But I dun do dat..and now wad do I get…
I kena scolded on ur fucking behalf…
And now…I’m fucking grounded for the rest of my holidays..
While u get to be ferried to and fro sch and allowed to go anywhere…I’m stuck at home…
Only able to lik go to work…
And smemore only able to move out on the dot nia…
Wad do u tink u are…
Lik this it will make me very late der leh…
And when I working wif wendy she hates it when I’m late..
And I hav no desire to piss her off at all…
U are the fucking cause of all my troubles…
And now u are happy…u still get the money from mummy and all dat…
I’m real happy when u got scolded u noe dat…
Really I’m really happi when dat happens..
Not dat I’m being a sadist or wad…or I tink a good scolding will wake u up…
Being sick and so wad…dun tink dat gives u the priority for u to try to act hero..
Damn u..
Eat medicine always nv see the tym…play till forget hor…
U shud noe..i told u so many fucking tymes liao…
Eat medicine u hav to see the tym der…
Hu cares whether u got eat sth or not…u hav to eat ur medicine on tym der…
Nv eat anything den get sth to eat lah..not dat our hse is totally void of edible stuff rite…
Its jus dat u lazy to spread peanut butter and jam on ur bread nia…
And when u get scolded…u drag my name into the scoldings and wad happens next..?
I also tio scolding for some past thing dat had already passed so long ago and yet dey still bring it up…
And when dey explode…first is cane u…den next is chiong me liao…
Cant u jus keep ur troubles to urself..
Lik for once u made daddy so angry…dat he wouldn’t even sent me to sch the next dae..
And I was carrying such heavy stuff…and u dunno this at all rite…
Cos u were in ur fucking slp already..
I tio hamtam for sth I didn’t even do…and all I asked is whether he could send me to sch the next dae…
And so fine…went to sch alone..i nv forgive all the stuff and troubles u caused me..
U tink I just forget all these stuff…
But the things dat u do daily makes me rmb all the pain and troubles u caused me…
Pain from the canings and pain from the words dat dey say when dey scold me..
U nv knew dat rite..
Cos u were always in ur comfy bed when dey were lecturing me..
U nv had such harsh words…u were nv chased out of the hse when u were young…
I was chased out once..in our previous home because I took the blame for u…
I nv expected u to say thank you or wad the fuck…but all u could is to try to keep out of it..
I hate it when all these happen…and by getting me grounded at home..
I’m not able to go out and watch the ratty show I promised I’ll watch wif wendy..
I manages to get permission and u hav to just spoil it for me..
And now its for the whole holidays..means I wont be able to go out wif frens and him..
The outings means a lot to me..and now u totally spoil it…
I noe I got a part to play also..
With the I shudnt be online all the tym thingy..and all dat..
I’m wrong doing all dat..
I’m wrong to be on msn for the whole tym I on my lapp..
I’m wrong for playing games on my lapp..
I’m wrong for checking the forums for updates on my cca..
I’m wrong to even be online..
I’m wrong to be on my lapp..
My lapp shud be on my table to jus collect dust..
I’m guessing dat I’m wrong to be here in the first place..
I’m also wrong for spending money for ‘useless’ stuff..
And lastly I’m wrong for being born onto this earth..
Happy now?
Basically I tink u dun even wan to see someone hu dun listen to wad u say..
Hu dun follow ur instructions abt wad u wan me to do..
Basically dats wad I tink..
I cannot say dat u nv showered me wif love..
But I rather not hav sth lik this where ur love is on and off..
Like a tap..of which only u control the turning of it..
I dun ask for so much..all I ask is for u to gimme some freedom of wad I wan to do..
I hate being tied to ur dogleash..
Wad for do u wan a family dae when our family is not at all stable..
Everytime we go out..parents lik to drag things up to quarrel abt..and I dun hav the mood to choose sides..
I dun feel lik having a family anymore..
I honestly tink dat our home is jus a place for us to gather and quarrel..
After quarrel eat and slp..
It doesn’t feel so much lik a home anymore..
I’m getting quieter and quieter at home..
Not allowed to take so many calls…
Not allowed to sms later den 10 at night…
Life has so many restrictions…
I cant say I’m not happy..
I’m glad I haf a roof over my head…but dats all..
I cant expect anymore ‘love’ dat u are giving me rite now..
I’m barely speaking at home except for tymes we raise our voices to hav a quarrel cum competition..
Which will end up in scoldings..or worse caning..
So used to it..
And I’m still having this fucking headache..
Wendy asked me whether I haf tym tml..
I’m sorry…I’m fucking grounded till the end of tym..
So srry..its not dat I dowan to go out wif u..its jus likdat..
Piggi dear emoing..
I also emoing..
Heck it all..dey took my sharp objects from me..
I wonder if I’m able to slp todae..
I’m still boiling inside me..
I guess my pillow will be too wet to slp anyway..
Since I got scolded lik shit..
Dey really noe how to scold ppl..
I wont talk to them till its necessary for me to do so…
And I’m sure I wont talk to Melvyn..
U can bet on it..
Because u r the cause of all my pains…

Thursday, September 20, 2007

our topics lik getting lesser and lesser to talk abt liao..

oh well..let nature take its own course..

I always do dat..=D

Cos i trying to meddle in the work of fate will make the whole thing veri troublesome..=D

so yea...let nature take its own course...

so sorry i really cant take leave on sunday..

its the busiest dae of the week..

Even though i wan to see u..

but sunday definitely cannot der..

srry..T.T

ytd work was ok..=D

my poor wendy was sick..T.T

den when i reached there at first..

we lik having cold war lidat..

not toking to each other...

but it was better in the evening..

she somemore go buy the damm bitter herbal drinks..

lol..and i somemore went to drink it to try..

lmao..bitter lik hell..=D

den i nv wanted to try it again liao..

poor wendy..i wonder how she is going to finish it all..>.<

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Today had my GL cca again..=D

was ok lah..we were lik so uber thick skin when asking for more marbles..

so dat we wont get forfeits..=X

I tink in the end...

our grp Random, had the most no of marbles lor..

26 leh..while the max we shud get is like 25?

haha...we uber pro..cheers lik water lidat flow out lor...=D

but i amassed a collection of cuts and scratches again..

lmao..leg red red der..at least it was bleeding so uber badly..=D

play till lik uber late lor..

we didnt win..neither did we lose..

cos the whole games over ler also no forfeits at all der..

lmao...hai we all so scared..=D

anyway..tml got more work..

jackson promised to play audi wif me on fri..

yay!!

i uber long nv audi ler..

todae jus went online for awhile den was lik..

no more ler..

keep dc-ing and m skills lik uber sucky liao..T.T

not dat i had any skills in audi in the first place..

but i missed playing wif piggi dear audi..

so i also so long nv online ler..

haha...today got another audi nephew..lmao...

and i realised dat mei finally married in audi ler..=D

gratz gratz..

i didnt even noe it in the first place..

piggi dear coming bak on next sun..

and going bak in on mon night..

haiz..i want to meet him again..

really missed him lots..=D

but both days also got work leh..

i also donno how liao..

haiz..i asked sijia whether she can come in on mon anots..

she said can..but wendy overheard..

and den she said dat my attitude is like uber bad..

when she learnt dat i not going on mon becos i wan to go out wif piggi dear..

is my attitude really dat bad..?

haiz..was pondering it lik for one day liao..

hey..readers of my blog..

is my attitude really dat uber kns-ish bad?

i tot it seem natural..

haiz...mayb to me is natural..but not to the rest bah..

oh i donno...

jus leave a comment on whether is my attitude bad anot..

i wan to amass comments..haiz..

I kinda hav no mood to do anything liao..my phone got prob..

cant seem to hear my ringtone..

lmao..

dats how i tink i missed all the calls..

ps ah joel..i missed all ur calls i also donno...

and i lazy to call bak lah..

and right now i going to slp ler..

-Watching You From Afar Will Just Satisfy Me-

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Ytd was pretty smooth sailing..

but i didnt really feel veri well ytd..

might be a result of standing too close to the photocopier machine..

getting dry nose and throat..and feelin giddy..

wendy and I both felt the same way..

i felt lik i was working lik a machine the way i was handling the papers for collation..

Suddenly felt so weird standing there..

lik pretty alone..

the sense of being alone seem to overwhealm me once again..

no idea why its occuring again..

the frequency its occuring keeps increasing..

and I'm feeling scared once more..

was standing alone at the stupid machine ytd...

suddenly almost black out..

as in I cant see a thing in front of me..

jus pure darkness..cant see the blue walls nor feel the aircon..

was uber dark and uber scary...

i really broke out in cold sweat...

and i saw history happening all over again..

the scene where I found myself locked inside a stupid room...

Lights are out and I'm really alone..

-insert ur imagination-

I close my eyes and i can still see the image..

not broken..clear and veri vivid in my mind..

Nv able to keep dat image out..

But in the end still manage to break free from the stupid memory..

no one saw me breaking out in sweat..

lmao..lucky..lucky...=X

No idea why its happening even if i had fwens and ppl ard me..

its really happening veri often...

it nv used to be so often and will only occur when i'm feeling veri down or when I'm alone somewhere...

but now...

really donno how to explain this...

with anyone also lidat...

been occuring ever since 30 aug..

no idea why lidat..

mus be some weird problem wif me again..

lmao..i'm forever loaded wif problems..

first was insonmia..

now this freakishly weird sights of black..

jus hoping its not a sign dat I'm going back to being blind..=X

lmao..ytd was on the phone wif joel lik uber long..

mainly keep hearing him tok..

now i noe..toking on the phone dat darkness will also fall in..

dun care liao lah..

anyway..joel was toking and toking non stop..

told him to see a doc he still dowan to go...drag drag drag till he say wed..

u better get well soon wor...>.<

18 sept liao...2 days ler..

still coping wif it pretty well..

simply hope dat parents wont interfere too much bah..

oh well...gtg ler..later helping mei to buy acash card and send to her sch..

hope i not late and i wont lose my way...=D

-I'm missing you..badly..-

Monday, September 17, 2007

17 sept 07

it still came in the end..

No stopping tym..

No stopping tym even though i was wishing and wishing..

Why when u wan sth badly..

it nv happens..

and when u dun wan it to come..

it will jus appear no matter wad..

I'll nv be able to understand the work of life..

Not meant for sot0ngs to understand it anyway..

sot0ngs lik me will nv be able to grasp the deep meaning behind fate..

16 sept 07

went out early (1120am) wif piggi dear..

nv knew dat civic had ktv..

was lik 0.o

was my area..so close to my hse yet i didnt noe..

I had better get out more often ler...>.<

anyway..practically i seldom go ktv..

was lik totally donno how to use the remote and all the stuff..

so everything pigi dear do the honours..=D

chose a couple of songs..mostly i onli noe how to sing the chorus nia..

was lik uber long didnt sing..

voice so uber rusty..but i like his singing..

veri soothing somehow..

barely sung like..10 songs altogether or wadsoever..

lik if either of us is counting lidat...

both of us was lik busy with stuff other den singing..

-insert ur own imagination-

lmao..dun tink too far anyway..=D

and i realised dat my singing sucks big tym..

gotta buck up liao..>.<

anyway...

Later after dat at 2..

after numerous scoldings from mum and dad...

for being late for work..

and all dat crap...and stuff...

i wasnt feeling veri happy already...

den piggi dear escort me to work...

last tym i seeing him ler...

till abt 2 weeks later...

takkaire leh..

T.T

I started to fall back in luv with all the classical music..

I used to hate it after the first breakup..

cos i felt dat it reminds me eerily of him..

but now..Thanks to Jascline hu sent me all the songs..

I went back to listening them..

and re-falling in luv with those classical music again..

Jascline thanks lots..=D

Really appreciate it.. :)

I really luv the song solitude..

I noe all i have to do is just to endure the tymes..

to quote..

17 sept is just a test for us..

gotta go ler..work is nearing..

-I'll love you..even if you're far far away from me from today onwards...-

Sunday, September 16, 2007

One more dae..

i dun lik mon 17 sept 2007!!!

Sobs..i dowan it to come..

mon come slower pls...dun come so fast..

else I hate u stupid 17 sept 07..T.T

bastard bastard dae..

I put u on my black calender den u noe..>.<

Haiz..tym flies and i cant stop it..

Seeing piggi dear for the last tym today..

till 2 weeks later...

i tink for lik 2+ hours..

Better den nth i guess..>.<

haiz..sad today got work..

den cannot go out whole day..

todae heck care liao..

i shall slack abit in my work and sms more..=D

whee..

one last thing..17 sept u better not come..

warning u..T.T

go out ler..blog again later or so bah..>.<

-wanting to kill 17 sept 07-

Saturday, September 15, 2007

I'm starting to hav abit of trouble here and there liao..

I cant seem to know how to tell someone dat my feelings for him is onli dat of a fwen..

man..really dunno how to break it to him..

mei suggested dat i jus tell him using the sms he sent me..

but i scared later too direct i hurt his feelings leh..

(btw..this guy is not anyone of u reading this blog..

He doesnt know my blog url unless someone told him..>.<)

Bah..seems lik history is repeating itself..

used to hav these problems be4..

but dat was in the past..

now i cant and really dowan to face it again..

I'm not dat strong enufto face it so many tymes

and see the face of the person whom i'm telling it to..

This is lik the 2nd tym if i really hav to do dat..

dots..lik someone can substitute me to tell him mah..>.<

doubt so..why the problem so ma fan de..

But i dun tell him i wont feel veri comfortable..

Wad shud i do..

haiz..y i keep having these type of problems der..T.T

ARGH..so sick and tired of it..

oh well..shall sms someone to take my mind off this issue...

^^V

Sian..ytd got bak results i tink..

not veri good leh..

got it thru sms at 8+..

sian lor..nearly spoiled my mood for the whole dae..

non examinable der i got AD and C+..

haiz..also dunno wad is AD..weird der..shud be below avg or sth..>.<

the rest of the examinable subs..

haiz..dun say ler..i got good nia..onli maths get veri good..

sian 1/2..

i cant even get the GPA i wanted..

(i didnt noe wad is GPA until i saw my results slip=X)

damm damm..lucky overall my mood still ok..^^

got even better after dat..=D

lalala~

gtg ler..later going bowling..^^

signin off..

-crazy with confusion-

Friday, September 14, 2007

Whee...after so long i finally online again..and starting to update my blog.

Uber long since i last updated..cos of my work lor..

everyday till 10 plus..den reach home so late ler parents dun lemme on..

i also agee lah..cos also so late liao..den i use i no limit der..

lmao..enuf of crap liao...

todae is 14 sept..my most unforgetable dae..^^

lmao..weird dae to rmb..=D

hmm..today went out wif my piggi dear aka xiaopiggi aka wicked..

(lols..u got uber lots of names leh..=X)

went out early to watch movie..

tink its was premonition..if i not wrong..

so lets see..i onli rmb watching the front of the movie..

and the ending nia..

i hav to idea wad was in the middle of the movie..

not really paying attention to the movie..

was occupied by other stuff..

erm...but though nv really watch the movie..

didnt regret..^^

cos was enjoying myself somehow..=X

so overall i tink the movie was pretty..erm..heartwarming..lols..

in my terms..=D

Bleah..and i didnt buwee xiaopiggi den also..>.<

lmao..den went to lan shop..hmm..

audi for a moment be4 the stupid server maintainance...

den was playing dota and got freaking suan-ed..

ah but oh well..i had more fun trying to sync my 8k lvl 8 moves with piggi dear..

onli did the move once and i was laughing all the way liao...>.<

whee..den i nid to go home early..to hav dinner..

so piggi dear pei me go bak all the way to woodlands..=D

xie xie ni^^

Lets see..honestly I donno wad to say after todae..

I really glad to hav a second chance..if dats counted..=X

at least i met someone hu really care abt how i feel...

not lik the first tym and all dat..

-ignored unwanted tots-

mostly was pretty distracted wif games todae..=X

and i finally heard how someone's heart beat..>.<

really enjoyed my tym wif piggi dear todae..

i haven been so happy for so long..

Thx for re-bringing some joy into my life^^

Thx for giving me sth i tot i had lost forever..

the sense of happiness..^^

-extra from somewhere else-

-who noes wad the topic is..=X-

For the first tym ever since i broke up..

I felt dat there might be some hope..

Really lik him loads..

Daren't say it out..

I'm scared it'll turn out the wrong way..=X

-copy and paste from somewhere..-

Monday, September 10, 2007

~Sat~

Was uber fun and happy dae^^

supposed to go stalk wicked at bunk..

But when i went there,

it was lik uber full, chock full of ppl.

So i stood outside and watch the toshiba tv playing the asiasoft thingys.

I tink i was stoning bah,

cos i didnt see wicked till he standing in front of me.

Bah~

Dunno how he walk der.

So uber quiet till he rite in front of me den i notice.

So in the end, my stalking failed.

Lawls..

Like pretty typical seh~

Cos i uber cannot recognise ppl der..>.<

Went to paradiz de lan shop.

den played audi..lols..practically tio thrashed..

wicked uber pro, and uber evil. >.<

i keep getting 2nd or last.

Arh..and oh yea..~

My lesbie dear came also..

but be4 dat was a mess of taking and giving instructions.

was damm uber funni.

i suck at giving instructions cos i uber road idiot.

and i finally found out dat cheryl dear donno where the cathay is..rofl~

in the end we went out and get her and her sister.

Lawls..spotted her first but she ignored my call and ran faster..zzz..

chased after her lo...was lik uber warm cos i still wearing jacket.

she uber bad leh..made me run after her when my leg numb..

play lik 2 hrs cheryl dear went...

den we change to play kau..lawls..

was lik o.O at the uber long list of songs..

and the modes..cos got a few other modes sau dun hav.

Whee..but most of the games wicked lik play till no kik lidat der..

cos he uber pro and i uber noob..wahahaha~

but he lemme win sometimes^^

so good~~

wrapped up the gaming session at 830.

last game was dota which i failed miserably cos i bought the wrong item.

zzz...my mystic staff became sth else..den i feed...zzz...

sobs..this is the result of m.i.a-ing from dota for uber long.

Eh, so Gav~

set a date after ur O levels go train dota again..

or audi also can..haha...

Or else i tio thrashed again..no fun wor..=D

Go bak home dat tym i kena poked.

Dunno how many times seh.

evil evil..Poking damm fun leh..

now den i realise..=D

i got a pic taken with cheryl dear,

but i look uber fugly.

wahaha..when dun i look uber fugly..lols..=X

But honestly was enjoying myself lo...=D

-reply to xiaopiggi's blog-

Lmao..i where got buwee u in mrt seh..

i merely poke poke ur sides nia..T.T

dun say till i lik so bad can...

and i nv poke u till u roll on the floor or wadsoever der lor..

dun evil okays..><"

sobs..

haha...whee~

signing off ler~

Friday, September 07, 2007

In a terrible fugly mood today.

Hell! Its always scoldings scoldings and more scoldings!

Its not that I've never experienced it before,

but its worse this tym,

She was scolding me like shit becos my brother got sick.

Like its any of my freaking problem!!!!

Here goes~

Of all the timings, my brother was uber sick be4 my work.

I was using the lapp tryingto update myself in the forums and checking my mail.

Mum told me to call the doctor to register him.

But hell, i was listenin to music and its heavy metal..><

I also got a freaking numb leg.

And for those who noe me uber well,

when i get numb legs,

i take uber long to get the blood circulation bak again.

And didnt call until 30 mins later.

Okays, i admit it was partly my fault cos i was concentrating more on the forums.

But its not me dat is sick!!

When i'm sick i call by myself.

why does he hav the special treatment whereby i hav to call for him?!

I dun see why i have to do dat.

Its jus a fever of a mere 37.1 degree celcius.

Its not like its going to kill him or wadsoever.

And so, while he sits in his room playing the uber huge prince,

i'm outside getting a scolding from mum and trying to call the clinic at the same tym.

even though i was at the balcony,

i could still hear her hurling insults at me.

I uber hate it when this happens.

-scoldings below-

like i rather give birth to char siew den to u this piece of useless shit lah~

(i wonder how to give birth to char siew=X)

i shud hav aborted u at birth lah~

I shud have not saved u when u r born blind lah~

(i was born blind but a costly operation regained my eyesight.

So i have eyes of different sizes.)

Jus some examples.

-back to topic-

I dun lik it when dat happens.

i mean, honestly,

who will like it when their mother says all this?

I feel so uber unwanted.

Like i'm so freaking extra in the family.

Sometimes i jus see the three of them talking together and laughing at a joke i dun understand,

I feel lik left out and even though i made an effort to try to talk,

They will exclude me out of the conversation after a while,

which is lik after 1 min.

I look at them, and find that they look so uber lik any normal family.

and i feel dat i'm jus like an outsider looking thru their window.

I dunno y i feel this way.

Mayb its because of the scolding bah~

I feel lik I nv really belong or fit in well into this family.

My mum nv ever said the first scolding to my brother,

no matter how angry he made her.

I donno whether this is called biasness anot,

but i tink i wont be missed if i were not here at all.

I mean..even though they clothe me..

feed me.. provide for me..

but somehow i dun really feel the luv.

When was the last tym since we had a laugh together?

When was the last tym i was praised genuine for sth i did?

When was the last tym i had fun going out with them?

When was the last tym i did sth to please them?

Its all so uber long ago!

Now its getting harder and harder to please them.

I cant please dem with my shitty results.

I cant please dem by helping with hsehold chores.

(cos its sth i SUPPOSED to do)

Everytime 'praises' comes along,

its all so freaking sarcastic..

I cant even feel the warmth in it AT ALL!!

I mean, if u wan to give praises,

spare me the freaking lectures dat goes with it.

And spare me the tyms where u gave me 'advices'

Even though u say dey are ur own experiences,

are u dat sure dat wad u r going thru is the same as wad i'm going thru?

Do u really noe wad the heck I'm debating with?!

If u dun, dun try to gimme advices dat doesnt work and are like

so freaking erm..traditional?

Its not dat i dun appreciate it.

Its jus dat the cow head doesnt fit the horse mouth..

or 牛头不对马嘴。

Its jus merely confusing me nia..

SO thanks uber lots for ur so-called help.

But honestly,

I'll appreciate it more if u can stop scolding me and make me feel dat i

dun belong in the hsehold.

No one wan to be dat way,

I honestly shud say this next tym.

If u dowan me, U can jolly well kik me when i was unborn.

Not now when u use all these stupid hurting words

to prick and tear my heart.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Lalalalas~

today started work ler...haha...

was actually a on-the-job training der..

but turns out to be exhausting..

hahas...but i had fun there lah..

trying to rmb all the differnet steps in using the photocopier...

den later mark papers...

was laughing away when marking pri 3 eng paper..

rofl..their eng is so the good..

direct translation form chinese lor...

was laughing and blurring out at the weird weird sentence..

for e.g...

"one day too boy went to shopping.

then the boy saw a shopthief behind them.

Then they saw the shopthief take things from the shelves.

He putted it into his pocket.

The two boy tell the security gaurd and he went and handcraft the shopthief.

The gaurd say the two boy are good boy."

I was laughing lik no tml...

shopthief and handcraft..lmao..

i almost cannot take it le..

was trying to control my laughter and such..but hor...

already almost falling off chair liao...

oh dat reminds me..today at wendy's hse before we went to the tuition place..

was playing audi...

surprising she joined me and my fwen..=D

and we both tio pwned by him..

[no surprise though=D]

den went to play couple mode..

by dat tym was already laughing non stop ler...

wendy and her partner still making me laugh somemore..

after my chain..

wendy's partner say this..

"lnam..can u go over to ice's[dats referring to me] laptop..

and randomly press any arrow keys?"

i was lik..o.O

and started to laugh all over again cos of no reason...lols...

overall today was fun lah~

though was called blur sot0ng..=D

was fun as i get to hang out wif ppl i noe...

and den teacher elaine is sh0 good to us..

unlike previous employers who are so knnbccb..

lalala~

but suddenly feeling emo ler...

also donno y sia...T.T

Whee...3rd of sep was fun...=D

woke at ard 10 plus bah...den be4 went out still have to do some hsehld chores...

do finish and meet wendy at cwp was already close to 12 le...

after eating head out to dhoby and went to bunk..

wen there to try to meet fwen...

i feel stupid leh...

he was standing behind me and wendy..

wendy knew of his presence..

but hor..i still blur blur play my audi couple mode sia...

den until finish and turn to wendy den i saw someone standing behind..

bleah..i'm so blur..T.T

how can i be so blurish and so engrossed in the game..=X

wendy say his 杀气 veri heavy...

lols...I'm so blurish...=D

blur dao siao...

haha...wicked u got this guai guai look wor..

sh0 cute..=D

whee~ den plat till 3 plus den siam bak home and den gather stuff...

went to wendy hse...den bathe everything start luniaing le..=D

whee~ we chiong until so sian...play for 7 plus?

to this morning 530am...

chu~ first tym play till so long...i sh0 happy...=D

whee...later meeting teacher elaine at 2 for the job thingy..=D

cos she wants to daw out a schedule for our working days...

so dat we noe when we will be working..=D

den i wont be rotting at home simply playing games...

rotting..=D

i dun lik rotting at home..cos no fun der...=D