Is this my existence?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

It's getting harder and harder to ignore..

Everytime u decided to start a verbal atk..

I have to keep rmb-ing to keep my cool..

It used to be effortless..

But it's getting to me now..

Why must everything be done YOUR way?

Why can't I do MY things MY way?

It's not like it's going to kill me the next moment..

Which u say u dun even care..

Since if I die u could get like a huge sum of monneh..

I dunno abt u..

Perhaps u dun even feel this way..

But every little thing dat u say..

Just goes on to creating another mini crack in the fissure..

Right there in my sanity..

One day..I'm going to go berserk..

You tink that when I nv argue back..

I'm tinking you are right?

No.

It's simply because I'm ordered not to fight with u..

Cos he doesn't want you to be angry..

He's sacrificing my brain..

Cos he doesn't want it to escalate into sth bigger..

He's making me shut my ass up..

Everytime it's because of you..

I get the worse end of the stick..

I had to be docile..

I had to be the sensible one..

I had to be the mature one..

I had to be the one who comforts..

The one who could be commanded..

The one who had to take the blame..

The one who had to take responsibility..

The one who had to cover up..

All because of what?

Because I'm a goddam girl..

Who just happened to be the goddamn eldest child!!

I especially hate the when-i-need-help-I'm-sweet-to-you..

but-when-I-dun-fuck-off type of attitude..

You say dat's wad i always do to get wad i want..

It's actually the other way around..

When you want me to go shopping..

You will ask so nicely..

And then I'd to consider the times when I went out with my frens..

Then go with u..

Cos I noe if i'd refuse..you would hav brought those up..

You noe I loathe shopping..

You noe I loathe moving away from my room..

You noe it..

Yet you always use it to ur advantage..

And I waste my time following u everywhere..

For nut cracks..

I have to take what u throw at me..

Your temper and insistance..

Then take what Mel throw at me..

His temper, swear words and brush-offs..

Then take what Daddy throw at me..

Commands to prevent me from argueing with u..

What can I do?

I do not want to be mature..

I do not want to be sensible..

I do not want to cover up..

Can't you all just leave me alone?

Why are people asking me to be all dat?

Just because I'm older than the rest?

Screw it..

This is not fair..

Just because I'm frens with someone younger than me..

I have to be more sensible and mature..

And not ask her to game..

It's ridiculous..

Just because I'm the older sister..

I have to make sure Mel dun use the com..

It's impossible..he doesn't even listen to u..much lest me..

This isn't fair..

This isn't fair at all..

Wait..

Life isn't fair..

But still..

I'm telling you I really hate you at times..

You are the one killing off my brain cells and mood to mug..

I'm not a robot that can mug 24/7..

I need playtime..

I'm more childish than you think alright?

but no matter what happens, your still my mum uh..

so i'll still love ya no matter what..

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I cannot fathom the reason why things are going the way they are now..

Its not like I did anything wrong..

Why when I just stepped into the hse..

When u jus returned...

You get to freaking scold me..

Hey its not like I nv visit you or what..

I cannot fathom why I even bothered to waste my time stoning there..

When I could have gotten home and get more rest..

You just dun understand how tired I was..

Mentally and physically..

Why cant you ever just stop and think for once..

Instead of always trying to win..

Cant you lemme win for once in my goddamn life?

I could barely drag myself to bathe once i reach home..

And a minute after falling onto bed..

I drifted off to dreamland..

That's how freaking tired I am..

Just think okays..

Its not always and only you..

I'm not a planet rotating ard you..

You are not my sun..

So stop trying to get me to rotate ard you..

Its really tiring to hold it all in..

I'm trying..

And I'm going to die from suppression one fine day..

And I now you wont regret it..