Is this my existence?

Friday, August 29, 2008

abit out of sorts liaos..

went to celebrate uncle lawrenece's bdae at the centre ytd..

damn freaking funni..

use watermelon as a substitute for cake..

hurhur..

and i got bullied again..

first is tio sprayed by the air fresherner thingy..

then my skin went boom..

tio allergic reaction..

zzz..

and i tio shoot dat i bacteria..

cos the spray is a disinfectant lai de..

kaos..

stoopid teacher andi..

smack him..

and den my darling hp drop..

T_T

den teacher andi took my hp cover..

zzz..

got pissed off..

threw mini temper..

ignored him..

screamed..(a little)

and den i took away his pen..

bleah..=/

yarhs..

i noe i childish..

all along lidat ones..=))

anyways..

ytd was quite wild..

haven seen so much photocopying in AGES..

and i'm gonna do more today..heex..

pray dat the feeder of the machine dun jam on me..

if jam i can jolliy well stand with the machine for a full wad? 2 hours?

bleah..and i'm gonna hav a hell lot of shitwork on my hands..=/

going off soon..

leaving spore..^^

for aussie^^

happys like birdie^^

for 2 weeks..

no family drama etc^^

but no darling bed..

no online manga..

dats the worst part of the deal..

anyways..

shud be back after 2 weeks on 13 Sept..

plane arriving at wad? 7 plus..

so anyone wanna come seee me..

heex..

jking^^

gtg..got work today^^

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Finished the previous post and saw a quiz!!!

Happy like birdie again..

Haven done quizzes in AGES!!!

Hope I'm like not addicted to them..=/

Anyways!!

Got this from yewey!!

Where is your school?

Clementi..=)

near BTP!!!

Where were you born?

In a hospital!!!

Where do you live now?

In a HTB flat in Woodlands^^

Who do you live with?

my family..

my parents and younger brother Melvyn..

What is your fav. colour?

Ehh..

Bwack.. Wavy Bwue..

In layman's language..

Its black and navy blue..

What is your fav. flower?

Ehh..no idea leh..

sth black and thorny?

ohhh..

but i do like the colour of the dark purple nearly black rose..

Do you currently have someone on your mind?

Not really..

if its something..den it would be more slp & bowling..

haven played for weeks and look at my pathetic score of 98..T_T

What is your biggest regret?

Ehhh...

actually its doesnt matter abt the regret anymore..

its been over for mayb 2 years already..

and i cant turn time back..so..

now..i kinda reget

Gaining those unsheddable weight in aust few years back..=/

What room are you in?

the room with a large table for putting dishes to eat from..

shud be the dining room...

which doubles as study room cum my mum's unofficial working office?

Do you exercise regularly?

walking from room to room..

running errands..

stduying..

do they count as exercise?

haha..jking^^

light exercise..bowling and occasional gym visit..

What is your fav. food?

pasta..potatoes..

my mum's cooking..basically..

If you could live anywhere, where would you live?

in my dream home in either NZ or aust mabbe..

some chilly place..^^

How many kids do you want?

None..

it might be a natural cycle and instinct..

but i find kids are a waste of brain cells and my patience..

no offence to all mothers and those who wanna hav kids..=/

Do you want to get married?

No..

sorry but i really prefer my freedom..=/

I wonder if there is any guy who might be able to change my mind..^^

doubt so..=))

Could you ever be in the military?

Yarhs..

i could..

but i would choose not too...

unless I'm a male..

srry no offence once again..

Do you like to dance?

depends on my mood..

Do you in believe in God?

Yarhs..

i noe i still do..

but no other further comments..

Do you pray?

When I've no faith..no confidence..no hope left in myself..

or when i want to help someone realise sth..=)

What was the last thing you wished for?

To beat my dad in his bowling scores..

What is your goal in life?

To earn money and get my super ex dream home..

Do you trust easily?

No.

What are your plans for the remainder of the year?

To stay alive..

When do you plan to get married and have kids?

Refer to my answers way above..

no intention to marry and have kids..

Describe yourself in 5 words

Mood swinger and emo freak..=))

Is it okay to sleep around as long as no body finds out?

Not okays..

What would you class yourself as?

homo sapien..

female?

teenager? I'm lik 18 still..=/

Do you think you are intelligent?

apparently not..

if i'm intelligent i will be reaping in tons of money..

Are you religious?

Not at the moment..

Would you date someone 15 years older than you?

Depends..

Would you go out with an ugly person if they were really rich and gave you everything?

Erm..

depends..

mabbe not..

dun like to go out..

Do you lead ppl on?

No idea...

Do you have/ever had an STD?

if STD stands for sexually transmitted disease..den no..

if it stands for anything else..

it would depend on the identity be4 i can reply..

Get along with your parents?

sth..=/

Do you think you are hot?

Nah..I'm onyl warm and cold..

and rite now..I'm freezing my ass off..

weather freaking cold..

Are you a hard worker?

Nah..I'm a soft one..

and btw..

i'm a slacker and last min worker..^^

so it doesnt apply to me..=))

Do you have a short temper?

Yes..

but its hidden most of the time..^^

What accent do you think is hot?

no comments^^

Would you rather go out with someone really fat or way too thin?

I would rather not go out..

dun make me choose..

Have you ever been to a psychiatrist?

Not yet..

should be soon..

i predict i will approach them in future..=))

Do you make new friends easily?

Err..

I hav no idea..

Do you get jealous easily?

i dun tink so..

what do you think of vegans?

Healthy?!

Do you own a credit card?

Yarhs..used to..

be4 the stupid atm at sch kop mine and i had to replace it with a normal debit card..

-cries-

Did you go to private school?

Nah..

Have any secret fetish?

Not dat i noe of..

besides..

if i had..

it wouldnt be secret if i post it here!!

Is there something you are keeping secret from everyone?

well..

everyone hav their secret dun they?

What would you change about yourself if you could?

my ability to absorb knowledge..

Tagging:

JEM.Morgan.Ken.Valerie.Wendy.Xiaowei.Hongwei.

& anyone who feels the urge to do this quiz and are bored..=))

Exams are lik freaking over now..

No more freaking headaches when trying to cram all the study shit into the brain..

Tryingto make sure that i try my best to rmb every damn thing..

Which nv happens..=/

Most imptly i hav no more freaking fever!!

The stupid fever finally went down after freezing my toes off in the bathroom..

Dousing myself with the cold water when its raining a gazillion litres of rainwater outside..

No more productive coughs and chills..

No more runny nose!!

LOL..

No more suffering like slping at 2am and waking at 6 to study..

Which has greatly affected my ability to think like a normal human being..

Anyways..

I'm once again going to be able to go out with edah jehanne and michelle..

Jus the 4 of us again^^

Very long haven gone out together in ages..!!

And the tot of sushi..=/

Going to buy some stuff for the trip and also stuff jyan wanted to get..

Edah is like also joining us too^^

Happy like birdie^^

Anyways..

Wondering who jyan making thins for..

Hope got my share..=X

Lesser stress..

Lesser load..

Lesser burden..

Longer periods of time..

Longer rests..

Longer dream time..

More time to think abt stuff..

More things to consider..

More considerations to be decided..

More decisions to make..

Rawr..

Rite now..

Viewing my hand and drawing the lines on it became my hobby..LOL

This greatly shows my boredom..

LOL..

Suddenly didnt noe wad to do..

Felt so free..

Getting used to it^^

Wondering if i can find the stuf i wanna get from aust..

Ponder Ponder..

But I'm not doing much to myself now..

Jus for now..=/

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is medium.
You probably have had a couple significant loves.
And you may have even had your heart broken.
But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people.

Dominance:

Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is high.
Sure you believe in love, but you know it doesn't come easily.
You scoff at "love at first site" and "soulmates."
You rather take the real thing, as unglamorous as it is.

Independence:

Your independence is high.
You don't need to be in love, and sometimes you don't even want love.
Having your own life is very important for you...
Even more important than having a relationship.

Your Learning Style: Practical and Cooperative

You like to test out what you learn, and you excel when you can jump right in and try something.

You Should Study:

Dentistry
Environmental Science
Fashion Merchandising
Interior Design
International Studies
Marketing
Medicine
Music
Nursing
Criminal Justice
Physical Therapy

You May Be a Bit Borderline...
Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame!
When you're up, you're a little bit crazy...
And when you're down, your whole world is crashing
Scary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!

Friday, August 15, 2008

sometimes it jus flash across my mind..

I feel dat sometimes..

I seem to be doing something not right..

not something wrong..

but something..

not quite correct..

I nv knew the correct path to move along...

I jus followed wads there for me to follow..

the world dat i'm viewing is dark..

but it used to be illuminated with lights..

its just dat..

with every passing day..

with every passing minute..

the lights are all fading..

fading so fast..

and there is nothing left to illuminate my path in the deep darkness..

i can only play by hand..

when young..

there was nv such a thing as problems..

my mini world was filled with colours..

with lights..

guiding me..

showing me the way towards the future..

but its been so long seem then..

now..

its just a flickering light..

at every checkpoint in the path i'm on..

it appearing on several occasions..

when choosing a sec sch..

streaming..

choosing the path for poly or jc..

debating the course to take..

its only ONE light at dat multitude of paths..

dat converged from just in front of me..

it showed me the options i have..

but nv once had another light appeared on the many paths i have..

nv had i a chance to see whether the path i choose..

can lead me to where i wanna go..

mabbe because i have no idea where i wanna go..

there was no certainty..

just doubts doubts and more doubts..

doubts on if i can survive..

on wad i m now..

i wanna play..

jus wanna play all day..

i dun wanna grow up and face all the trecherous stuff in the world..

i just wanna enjoy the time i have now..

but now..

the time is all meant for studying..

studying..n more studying..

n i m definitely not enjoying myself..

so if my collection can help me ease the unpleasant studying..

i will gladly amass more..

gladly expand my collection..

i tire of throbbing in the brain..

i tire of thoughts i'm suppressing..

i also do not want dat to happen..

but i hav to let stress out..

if not i really will burst one day..

burst from all my pent up anger and stress..

and all the sorrow i'm been suppressing deep within..

i need more lights in my life..

no matter how many ppl are ard me..

i still cannot relate to them..

not abt everything..

sure..

frens are frens..

but there are still things dat i cannot let them know..

not because i dowan to let them noe..

but becasue i do not know how to express it all in words..

and i do not know the correct expression i shud be showing..

i'm still a kid in the heart and mind..

a kid dat is thrown into the adult world..

unwillingly..

unknowingly..

everytime i try to let it all out..

i come into a clash within the family..

the blame pushed onto me..

the feeling of having to take care of my well being..

and making sure others are not affected by me..

its really getting tougher and tougher..

i wonder when can i be free of it all..

it seems dat i seem to be getting better and better with my darling..

the perfect make up for now showing the real feelings..

i preach to others abt not hiding ur true self to let others know abt u..

but i myself..

i cannot do dat..

my inner self is a sanctuary i can reside safely..

even if i were to tell them abt wad i did..

all dey can manage to say is

"i didnt expect u are this kind of emo person"

haha..

know why..

cos dey seem i always seem so happy..

so cheerful..

always laughing without a care in this world..

and dey actually envy me..

hais...

and how to cheer me up..

there will be nearly no hope of dat..

all i wish is jus not to surround me too much..

mayb sijia's right..

mabbe all i wan..

right deep down in some dark closet of my heart..

dat all i want is jus attention..

but dat was not my intention..

pain..

self-inflicted ones..

are the driving force behind me..

wendy might be rite too..

but really..

i look at all these..

n wonder why i even did it all in the first place..

to get more pain to get rid of the original undying pain..

dat has been resonating throughtout..

coursing throughout my heart and body..

if bleeding can get rid of certain illness in the past..

and to relieve pain..

mabbe bleeding can get rid of my pains too..

the undescrible pain dat i've been dealing with behind the thick make up on me..

behind those walls i created..

yea..

i believe so..

dun u tink?

Sunday, August 10, 2008

This hurts..
I smile and all..
But yet I dun understand what is this feeling inside me..
Everytime I smile..
Something breaks inside of me..
Everytime I laugh..
I'm just trying to get rid of these weird feelings..
Everytime I cry..
All these feelings stop overflowing me..
This really hurts..
.
I see others smiling..
And I ponder what's left to smile for..
I see others laughing..
And I wonder if it hurts to laugh..
I see others crying..
And I think it might be better to leave them that way..
.
I need to carry on..
But I've really no strength left to fight..
No weapons left to fight the monsters in my mind..
I can only stand there alone..
I'm always alone..
Inside that dark dark place..
No walls to mark the exterior..
No path to tell me where to go..
Sometimes it snows..
Sometimes it rains..
But the darkness never go away..
Its always there..
Surrounding me..
Its like a mist..
A fog more likely..
Surrounded by that haze I see things from a protected area..
Looking ard the dark and empty world I'm left in..
The only things I can see are footsteps..
There are only footsteps I left behind..
The only indicator that I'm still alive..
I force myself to breathe..
Force myself to think clearly..
But even if the mind is willing..
The body is weak..
I'm just pathetically weak..
I cant stop things from happening..
I can only lie still and dream..
Dream of a happy ending..
Which will never happen..
Dreaming is always possible..
Realising that dream is always not possible..
It's been that way since forever..
I think it might be better to hide in there forever..
So right now..
I'm putting a stop to all my movements..
I will not try to find a way out..
I will not try to escape from this protective fog..
Because I know I'm weak..
So I will not try to be strong..
Because I know I'm hurting..
So I will not try to smile and pretend nothing's wrong..
Because I know I'm protected..
So I will not try to exposed myself..
Because I know that the world is treacherous..
So I will not harm myself by appearing outside..
Because I know I will affect others..
So I will try to seal everything into a facade..
It's better to throw thrash to where they belong..
Into the dark and empty world that I originally belong..
I swear..
My heart is breaking..
There is almost nothing I can do to mend it..
Telling me not to give up..
Telling me not to emo..
I think all these will make me hurt even more..
Because I think..
That's all I excel at..
So don't take away my excels from me..
Not anymore..

Saturday, August 09, 2008

a quarrel issued..

i dun like it..

mum's being unreasonable..IMO..

dad placing blame on me..

everyone puts the blame on me..

was trying to help brother..

nth wrong rite..

no common sense..

anyhow throw temper..

supposed to be going out de..

for bowling..

den in the end she jus walked out of the car..

said dowan to go already..

den dun go larhs..

i not the type to hurry in the bath..

i mean which idiot will enter the bath and walk out no totally clean..

cfm will take time one wad..

so means dat u can take ur time to bath and i cant arh..

its not fair lor..

and u keep chasing me..

how to rmb to take the drinks when i didnt even manage to take my wallet..

its not my fault at all cans..

quit saying the phase..

"dats wad u want rite"

its irritating..

its hurting..

its accusing..

its bloodly f-ed up..

made everyone unhappy..

made me no mood to study..

made me throw everything ard the room..

hais...

i watched the blood again..

from pale colour to reddish..

so nice rite..

didnt dare to use the pen knife..

rusty blade..

later tentanus..

lol..

scissors can control better..

still angry..

cant control it..

i tink i might cry later..

Monday, August 04, 2008

I'm starting to keep ppl at bay away from me..

Starting to feel that it might be better keeping more to myself than ever..

It might be a good idea to stop interacting..

Might be a good idea to start the isolation periods..

I'm still gonna talk..

But not gonna involve myself too much with others..

Not a good idea really..

I'll just let things pass by..

Let time pass by..

Just try to concentrate on my studies..

That's the only thing I might just do..

I wanna grow thorns..

Den people will stay away from me..

Yeah..I'll do that..

I've just realised something when I was playing with a rose..

The rose is so pretty and soft..

purplish-red..

So many thorns..

So many thorns on it..

I see a bouquet of roses..

All of the roses has no thorns and are bundled together..

Single stalk of roses has thorns..

A thought struck me..

The rose has thorns..does it need to be alone?

Saw the link between roses and thorns..

I was thinking..

"Beauty is just a facade to capture attention away from the ugliness(thorns)."

"Even the most beautiful rose has thorns, thorns that condemn the rose to a life of pure solitude."

Thorns keep people away from an individual..

Thorns help to prevent the inquisitive from getting too close..

I wanted, needed to be a rose..

Not because of the beauty..

But because of the fact that I will get natural thorns that can keep people from getting too close to me..

People who get too close to me..

They are the ones suffering..

With a coat of thorns..

Maybbe everything would turn out better..

The thorny me..