Is this my existence?

Friday, August 15, 2008

sometimes it jus flash across my mind..

I feel dat sometimes..

I seem to be doing something not right..

not something wrong..

but something..

not quite correct..

I nv knew the correct path to move along...

I jus followed wads there for me to follow..

the world dat i'm viewing is dark..

but it used to be illuminated with lights..

its just dat..

with every passing day..

with every passing minute..

the lights are all fading..

fading so fast..

and there is nothing left to illuminate my path in the deep darkness..

i can only play by hand..

when young..

there was nv such a thing as problems..

my mini world was filled with colours..

with lights..

guiding me..

showing me the way towards the future..

but its been so long seem then..

now..

its just a flickering light..

at every checkpoint in the path i'm on..

it appearing on several occasions..

when choosing a sec sch..

streaming..

choosing the path for poly or jc..

debating the course to take..

its only ONE light at dat multitude of paths..

dat converged from just in front of me..

it showed me the options i have..

but nv once had another light appeared on the many paths i have..

nv had i a chance to see whether the path i choose..

can lead me to where i wanna go..

mabbe because i have no idea where i wanna go..

there was no certainty..

just doubts doubts and more doubts..

doubts on if i can survive..

on wad i m now..

i wanna play..

jus wanna play all day..

i dun wanna grow up and face all the trecherous stuff in the world..

i just wanna enjoy the time i have now..

but now..

the time is all meant for studying..

studying..n more studying..

n i m definitely not enjoying myself..

so if my collection can help me ease the unpleasant studying..

i will gladly amass more..

gladly expand my collection..

i tire of throbbing in the brain..

i tire of thoughts i'm suppressing..

i also do not want dat to happen..

but i hav to let stress out..

if not i really will burst one day..

burst from all my pent up anger and stress..

and all the sorrow i'm been suppressing deep within..

i need more lights in my life..

no matter how many ppl are ard me..

i still cannot relate to them..

not abt everything..

sure..

frens are frens..

but there are still things dat i cannot let them know..

not because i dowan to let them noe..

but becasue i do not know how to express it all in words..

and i do not know the correct expression i shud be showing..

i'm still a kid in the heart and mind..

a kid dat is thrown into the adult world..

unwillingly..

unknowingly..

everytime i try to let it all out..

i come into a clash within the family..

the blame pushed onto me..

the feeling of having to take care of my well being..

and making sure others are not affected by me..

its really getting tougher and tougher..

i wonder when can i be free of it all..

it seems dat i seem to be getting better and better with my darling..

the perfect make up for now showing the real feelings..

i preach to others abt not hiding ur true self to let others know abt u..

but i myself..

i cannot do dat..

my inner self is a sanctuary i can reside safely..

even if i were to tell them abt wad i did..

all dey can manage to say is

"i didnt expect u are this kind of emo person"

haha..

know why..

cos dey seem i always seem so happy..

so cheerful..

always laughing without a care in this world..

and dey actually envy me..

hais...

and how to cheer me up..

there will be nearly no hope of dat..

all i wish is jus not to surround me too much..

mayb sijia's right..

mabbe all i wan..

right deep down in some dark closet of my heart..

dat all i want is jus attention..

but dat was not my intention..

pain..

self-inflicted ones..

are the driving force behind me..

wendy might be rite too..

but really..

i look at all these..

n wonder why i even did it all in the first place..

to get more pain to get rid of the original undying pain..

dat has been resonating throughtout..

coursing throughout my heart and body..

if bleeding can get rid of certain illness in the past..

and to relieve pain..

mabbe bleeding can get rid of my pains too..

the undescrible pain dat i've been dealing with behind the thick make up on me..

behind those walls i created..

yea..

i believe so..

dun u tink?