Is this my existence?

Friday, March 21, 2008

I donno why i'm starting to tink this way..

but all along..

i'm trying my best to endure all the hurting words dat was put thru to me..

sometimes..

i noe dat wadever the person said was jus in the spur of the moment..

sometimes they nv really meant wad they say..

but words..when said cant be retrieved back..

u cant jus undo the words dat u said..

all along..

these words and they pain dey caused accumulate inside me..

mainly from my family..

the words dey use..

dey word simply slice thru the heart..

leavin no mercy..

and it happens everytime i talk to them..

be it casual talk..

or wadever dat jus flows thru..

apparently..

dey hate my guts..

dey hate my attitude..

i wonder if they even hate me..

cos dats wad they said..

if i was nv born..

mummy wont hav to give up her high-paying job to takkaire of me..

if i was nv born..

mummy wont hav to spend so much of their savings to cure my blind eye..

if i was nv born..

mayb my brother could hav all the things i had..

i tink dat way too..

my daddy once told me to be strong and not let anyone hurt me..

i did dat..

i appear strong..

i repel all those who hate my guts..

i allow those with sincerity to come closer to me..

but i nv ever embrace someone truely..

cos i've been betrayed so many times..

been injured so many times..

i hav no idea who to trust..

i hav no idea who to believe..

but i'm tired now..

tired of acting stronger den i am..

tired of acting happy when i'm not..

tired of tying to be helpful..

tred of thinking for others when dey dun appreciate it..

tired of holdin my anger to not let arguements start afresh..

tired of giving my all and let others say dat its crap and bullshit..

tired of trying to hold back tears..

i'm been crying these fews days..

alone to myself..

but i kept up appearances..

i did wad was expected of me..

i behaved lik a good girl at home..

little interaction with family = lesser chance of arguements..

lesser talking with frens = lesser chance i shoot someone..

i spend lesser time with family now with all the camp preparation and stuff..

so i went out with them no matter how much i hate going out..

going out with them really is bad..

dey tend to argue abt the slightest thing..

and the worst part is when dey wan me to take sides..

i hate dat the most..

taking sides to them means which u favour..

if i take my dad's side, my mum will say "ppl hav daughter is cos wan them to take the mum's side..only u this -insert ur imagined words- girl will take ur dad's side.."

if i take my mum's side, my dad wont say anything..

but i noe from the look he gave me he is disappointed wit me..

tell me..

wad can i do in these situation?

these few times..

brother's exams coming near..

comparisions starting once again..

between my results and his attitude..

i hav no idea wadthe hell is she tinking all these times..

i i'm here to be the cutting end of ur blunt remarks i will no take it..

but it seems lik there is no choice..

i do not wan to relive ytd's experiences..

i dun hav a choice..

since i'm living under the same roof as them..

its been lik more den 10 hours i haven spoken to dem..

dey talk to me i stare back at them..

dey jus dismiss me as a mute..

i've been screaming ytd till my throat was sore..

my last words to them is dat i will not talk to them..

and i intend on keeping dat promise..

i'm not going to try to act strong again..

i'm jus going to let things come my way..

if i kills me den i'll jus accept it..

i'm tired of acting strong..

tired of everything..

somehow..

i despise them for making my life this way..

and not even knowing dat i'm holdin back my words for them..

i hate them.....