Wednesday, November 28, 2007
been thinking abt the past lately..
how i felt abt the past and all..
i realise dat i dun actually mean wad i said..
kinda regret it..
but i guess..
mayb its a good thing dat tym cant move bak..
with the shifting of the sands of tym..
i realise dat wad i've done is actually not wad i wanted..
if tym could be rewind..
i guess i wont say all dat i said to him ba..
but tym cant change..and dats wad actually made the memory so precious bah..
in this manner..i get to hold on to sth in life..
tots abt possibilities..
but honestly..i'm berating myself..
deep inside i realise dat i cant open to others..
even though its lik ages since 2nd June 2006..
one year 5 months 26 days ler..
but i still rmb the sights so clearly..
though i'm a pro-fessional sot0ng (excuse me..-.-)
dat is really sth i cant forget no matter wad..
not dat sinple as i tot..
guess it took me ages to get over it..
the loss i mean..
but wad do i end up with..
still the same old tots..
cant forget the tymes we had tgt..
though was simple studying tgt..
sweet memories dat can nv be erased..
but i guess i nv really gotten over how he managed to take off my mask..
the one and only mask dat i put on to allow myself to mix ard freely with fwens..
he one and only mask dat he took it off..
jus by those simple words..
cant believe it..
mayb i was weak den..
my strength wasn't there..my emotions weren't as steady..
having jus moved into sec 4 and starting to cope with everything there is..
the mask wasn't for anyone to been seen..
all my fwen (not the super close ones) had seen was a girl mixing ard freely with ppl..
but dats not the real me..
dats not..yet..he can see thru it..
my first impression..
wad an ass..
-.-
haha..i'm an ass..not him..
i guess wendy knew the real me bah..
i've been putting a mask for as long as i can rmb..
cos i tink i'm freaky in a way..
haha..hu cares..
but he knows when i wanna talk..
when he ought to talk..
when he shud get me to talk..
when he shud stop me from playing ard with the scissors..
when to lemme hav my way with the scissors..
when to offer me the scissors..
when to stay ard me..
when to leave me alone..
when to let me have my way..
but dats all in the beginning..
after dat..i guess i was pinning for all this 'whens'..
but it nv really appeared..
not anymore..
until after 2nd June 06..
during 07 when he tried to return..
i was stupid and foolish in the past..
but i'll lik to believe dat i'm not lidat anymore..
and now i regretted..
but all my fwens were in favour of me leaving him..
said dey dowan me to cont hurting myself..
but thinking bak..
i tink we were both hurting tgt..
though i nv once doubted dat we will nv last..
till now..it still hurts..
but the feeling is numbed..
i felt foolish for all i've done till now..
i dun tink we will walk tgt again..
deep inside i know it and he knows it too..
to be hurt deeply and treated lik a fool..
its not easy to force myself to accept it..
to be pushed away straight in the face..
it not easy for him to take it..
continuing with our current lives seems lik a good idea..
but u noe and i noe..
we will let our minds wander..
to the past memories we had..
and of which we shall nv have again..
nv again..
"its has not been easy for me.
I study hard to forget the past, but honestly,
studying makes me think of the times we had studied together.
I slacked on the studying to relieve the pain of the memories,
but i realised tht wasn't what i want.
I hate being so confused with stuff,
I cannot believe that leaving was the only choice at that time.
I regretted it.
I know the hurt and feel the pain,
maybe not as much as you did, but...
Even though you never replied my emails,
email-ing you, to me, was the only thing i could do whenever those thoughts surfaced.
Mayb you never read all these mails i sent,
but as long as I've sent the mails,
I feel that I'm actually telling all these to you personally,
............................................."
emails he sent always contain apologetic atmospheres..
reading them makes me feel lik..so weird..
dunno lah..mayb..
oh well..
these mails i recieved..
heart-warming..but i nv had the courage to reply with what i'm doing here..
while hes overseas..
i dun tink its my place to tell him wad is gg on here..
not my responsibilty..
cant bring myself to talk to him also..
cant cant cant cant..
haiz..
but i find myself waiting for his mails..
oh crap..
hope dat all goes well bah..
and dat i will soon forget..
all those memories dat was not supposed to be........
how i felt abt the past and all..
i realise dat i dun actually mean wad i said..
kinda regret it..
but i guess..
mayb its a good thing dat tym cant move bak..
with the shifting of the sands of tym..
i realise dat wad i've done is actually not wad i wanted..
if tym could be rewind..
i guess i wont say all dat i said to him ba..
but tym cant change..and dats wad actually made the memory so precious bah..
in this manner..i get to hold on to sth in life..
tots abt possibilities..
but honestly..i'm berating myself..
deep inside i realise dat i cant open to others..
even though its lik ages since 2nd June 2006..
one year 5 months 26 days ler..
but i still rmb the sights so clearly..
though i'm a pro-fessional sot0ng (excuse me..-.-)
dat is really sth i cant forget no matter wad..
not dat sinple as i tot..
guess it took me ages to get over it..
the loss i mean..
but wad do i end up with..
still the same old tots..
cant forget the tymes we had tgt..
though was simple studying tgt..
sweet memories dat can nv be erased..
but i guess i nv really gotten over how he managed to take off my mask..
the one and only mask dat i put on to allow myself to mix ard freely with fwens..
he one and only mask dat he took it off..
jus by those simple words..
cant believe it..
mayb i was weak den..
my strength wasn't there..my emotions weren't as steady..
having jus moved into sec 4 and starting to cope with everything there is..
the mask wasn't for anyone to been seen..
all my fwen (not the super close ones) had seen was a girl mixing ard freely with ppl..
but dats not the real me..
dats not..yet..he can see thru it..
my first impression..
wad an ass..
-.-
haha..i'm an ass..not him..
i guess wendy knew the real me bah..
i've been putting a mask for as long as i can rmb..
cos i tink i'm freaky in a way..
haha..hu cares..
but he knows when i wanna talk..
when he ought to talk..
when he shud get me to talk..
when he shud stop me from playing ard with the scissors..
when to lemme hav my way with the scissors..
when to offer me the scissors..
when to stay ard me..
when to leave me alone..
when to let me have my way..
but dats all in the beginning..
after dat..i guess i was pinning for all this 'whens'..
but it nv really appeared..
not anymore..
until after 2nd June 06..
during 07 when he tried to return..
i was stupid and foolish in the past..
but i'll lik to believe dat i'm not lidat anymore..
and now i regretted..
but all my fwens were in favour of me leaving him..
said dey dowan me to cont hurting myself..
but thinking bak..
i tink we were both hurting tgt..
though i nv once doubted dat we will nv last..
till now..it still hurts..
but the feeling is numbed..
i felt foolish for all i've done till now..
i dun tink we will walk tgt again..
deep inside i know it and he knows it too..
to be hurt deeply and treated lik a fool..
its not easy to force myself to accept it..
to be pushed away straight in the face..
it not easy for him to take it..
continuing with our current lives seems lik a good idea..
but u noe and i noe..
we will let our minds wander..
to the past memories we had..
and of which we shall nv have again..
nv again..
"its has not been easy for me.
I study hard to forget the past, but honestly,
studying makes me think of the times we had studied together.
I slacked on the studying to relieve the pain of the memories,
but i realised tht wasn't what i want.
I hate being so confused with stuff,
I cannot believe that leaving was the only choice at that time.
I regretted it.
I know the hurt and feel the pain,
maybe not as much as you did, but...
Even though you never replied my emails,
email-ing you, to me, was the only thing i could do whenever those thoughts surfaced.
Mayb you never read all these mails i sent,
but as long as I've sent the mails,
I feel that I'm actually telling all these to you personally,
............................................."
emails he sent always contain apologetic atmospheres..
reading them makes me feel lik..so weird..
dunno lah..mayb..
oh well..
these mails i recieved..
heart-warming..but i nv had the courage to reply with what i'm doing here..
while hes overseas..
i dun tink its my place to tell him wad is gg on here..
not my responsibilty..
cant bring myself to talk to him also..
cant cant cant cant..
haiz..
but i find myself waiting for his mails..
oh crap..
hope dat all goes well bah..
and dat i will soon forget..
all those memories dat was not supposed to be........
Life at its worst.