Is this my existence?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Hmmm...
haven blog for quite some time ler..
been thinking lots abt stuff and all dats been happening to my life..
parents talking to me abt my life..
telling me wad to do..
and i listening to wad they have to say almost daily..
making decisions dat i dun wanna make..
holding myself together to face a new dae..
parents been talking to me abt relationships..
and friendships and all dat..
not as if i dunno..
but dey wanted me to know wad they tink abt it all...
so the thing is dat i'm not supposed to have any relationships right now..
haiz..i'm 17 for god's sake..
why still hav to restrict i dun get it..
dey said dat it will be for my own good..
and dat this way i can learn how to protect myself..
dey dowan early relationships to hurt and harm my future..
i dun get it..honestly..
i dun understand why the big fuss abt it..
i catch no reason behind wad they wan me to do anyway..
dey make it dat i'm able to hav normal friendships..
jus being normal friends and all dat..
mum dun agree to lemme get involved in relationships..
i hav no choice but to agree..
dats why i had to end relationship..
and now wad do i get..
dey are starting to interfere in my friendships and all dat..
on wad friends i shud make and which friend i shud not..
this is ridiculous..
i mean..
this is my life man..
i hav no idea why are u trying to mess it up..
i have my own rights to deal with my own life and to tell the truth..
i rather dat u leave me alone and lemme deal with my own problems by myself..
u always tell me dat if i have problems i can find u guys to discuss..
i would do dat..gladly..
but pls dun try to 'help' me deal with my problems when i did not ask u for help..!!!
i hav no idea how u found out abt all these stuff..
but i certainly hope dat u didnt use ur methods dat u adopt in sec sch..
by asking my friends wth i am up to..

its really unfait to me..

i need to have my life and my privacy too..

its not all open for u to jus walk in and out and tweek my life to ur likes..

i'm not blaming u for trying to help me solve my problems..

i need to learn how to solve it by myself..

for now i tink i need some time alone..

to think thru things..

some stuff are going to fast for me..

some stuff i cant get wad its really trying to mean..

i cant settle my stuff all at a go..

with showstopper and all the dance practice coming up here and there..

and work at the tuition centre..

and the homework dat will soon be flooding in..

and problems problems and more problems..

now i wonder how i felt dat i can deal with poly life..

i'm starting to have second thoughts now abt my deciion to come into poly..

jus cant help tinking abt it when i'm trying to coax myself to slp..

i believe dat wad i'm experiencing are affectin my work and stuff..

i noe cos Teacher Elaine started to tell us abt the mistakes in themarking of the papers..

me and Sijia seem to have the same problems..

i dun tink Wendy have tis problem bah..

she seems always able to juggle all her daily stuff and keep them in order..

though i noe she had put in lots of effort to do dat..

mayb i shud take a leaf out of her book..

but sometimes i look at her and i kinda envy her..

she is able to do so many thngs and able to do them well..

she noes wad she wants in the future..

she believe firmly in wad she does and dat it will lead her to her goals..

i got this feeling dat i honestly shud change my character and my thinking..

i always hate to plan things..

i rather let others plan and decide for me for some stuff...

becos i find planning and making it a reality tough..

becos alot of things can nv come true..

and faults will always occur..

no such thing as a perfect outing..

and i'm no the kind of ppl dat is bright and uber alert..

and can change the thinking as fast as a wink of the eye..

i'm not dat superb..

i'm not dat clever and quick..

but i really need to change sth of me..

else i guess i'll jus add into my bad attitude..

i'm jus hoping tym will jus stop and lemme think abt wad i hav to do one step at a tym..

but dats not possible..

cos tym waits for no one..

but i really tink all i need is jus tym..

i need tym to tink..

i need tym to decide..

i need tym to pick myself up..

i jus need lots of tym..

haiz...

i really dunno wad to do now.

and i hate it when this happens..

cos i feel so lost and so..

jus cant place the feeling somehow..

jus feel dat..

its super weird..

lik i'm not needed..

not so much of dat..

more of..

uh...

alone and not allowing ppl to come too close..

yea..i guess dats it..

i dunno how to open myself and accept the help of others..

i onli noe how to close all my emotions and feeling and thoughts to myself..

even though when others ask me wad i'm feeling..

i cant answer..

cos i cant find the word to explain myself..

and also i'm not ready to let others share my burden too..

-no one knows the real me-