Is this my existence?

Friday, September 07, 2007

In a terrible fugly mood today.

Hell! Its always scoldings scoldings and more scoldings!

Its not that I've never experienced it before,

but its worse this tym,

She was scolding me like shit becos my brother got sick.

Like its any of my freaking problem!!!!

Here goes~

Of all the timings, my brother was uber sick be4 my work.

I was using the lapp tryingto update myself in the forums and checking my mail.

Mum told me to call the doctor to register him.

But hell, i was listenin to music and its heavy metal..><

I also got a freaking numb leg.

And for those who noe me uber well,

when i get numb legs,

i take uber long to get the blood circulation bak again.

And didnt call until 30 mins later.

Okays, i admit it was partly my fault cos i was concentrating more on the forums.

But its not me dat is sick!!

When i'm sick i call by myself.

why does he hav the special treatment whereby i hav to call for him?!

I dun see why i have to do dat.

Its jus a fever of a mere 37.1 degree celcius.

Its not like its going to kill him or wadsoever.

And so, while he sits in his room playing the uber huge prince,

i'm outside getting a scolding from mum and trying to call the clinic at the same tym.

even though i was at the balcony,

i could still hear her hurling insults at me.

I uber hate it when this happens.

-scoldings below-

like i rather give birth to char siew den to u this piece of useless shit lah~

(i wonder how to give birth to char siew=X)

i shud hav aborted u at birth lah~

I shud have not saved u when u r born blind lah~

(i was born blind but a costly operation regained my eyesight.

So i have eyes of different sizes.)

Jus some examples.

-back to topic-

I dun lik it when dat happens.

i mean, honestly,

who will like it when their mother says all this?

I feel so uber unwanted.

Like i'm so freaking extra in the family.

Sometimes i jus see the three of them talking together and laughing at a joke i dun understand,

I feel lik left out and even though i made an effort to try to talk,

They will exclude me out of the conversation after a while,

which is lik after 1 min.

I look at them, and find that they look so uber lik any normal family.

and i feel dat i'm jus like an outsider looking thru their window.

I dunno y i feel this way.

Mayb its because of the scolding bah~

I feel lik I nv really belong or fit in well into this family.

My mum nv ever said the first scolding to my brother,

no matter how angry he made her.

I donno whether this is called biasness anot,

but i tink i wont be missed if i were not here at all.

I mean..even though they clothe me..

feed me.. provide for me..

but somehow i dun really feel the luv.

When was the last tym since we had a laugh together?

When was the last tym i was praised genuine for sth i did?

When was the last tym i had fun going out with them?

When was the last tym i did sth to please them?

Its all so uber long ago!

Now its getting harder and harder to please them.

I cant please dem with my shitty results.

I cant please dem by helping with hsehold chores.

(cos its sth i SUPPOSED to do)

Everytime 'praises' comes along,

its all so freaking sarcastic..

I cant even feel the warmth in it AT ALL!!

I mean, if u wan to give praises,

spare me the freaking lectures dat goes with it.

And spare me the tyms where u gave me 'advices'

Even though u say dey are ur own experiences,

are u dat sure dat wad u r going thru is the same as wad i'm going thru?

Do u really noe wad the heck I'm debating with?!

If u dun, dun try to gimme advices dat doesnt work and are like

so freaking erm..traditional?

Its not dat i dun appreciate it.

Its jus dat the cow head doesnt fit the horse mouth..

or 牛头不对马嘴。

Its jus merely confusing me nia..

SO thanks uber lots for ur so-called help.

But honestly,

I'll appreciate it more if u can stop scolding me and make me feel dat i

dun belong in the hsehold.

No one wan to be dat way,

I honestly shud say this next tym.

If u dowan me, U can jolly well kik me when i was unborn.

Not now when u use all these stupid hurting words

to prick and tear my heart.