Is this my existence?

Saturday, September 04, 2010

It came to mind that perhaps more studying couldn't hurt..
I took my time thinking through..
From the time it's official that I've graduated..
Till now..
Been trying to think of what I want to do..
Nothing comes to mind even now..
I'll probably be pissing off those who knew what they want to do..
What they want to achieve in the future..
But everytime I made myself think..
I realised that all I wanted to do is actually simple..
Leave me alone with some of the books I'm interested in..
Leave me alone to my futile fairy tale life..
But then again..
Life can't be that simple for me to just laze and slack..
It has been nagged into me for so long to either get a job or study..
Everytime you asked me what am I going to do..
I never answer you or either that I flare up..
I'm guessing it's because..
1) I hav no idea what I want..
2) I hate disappointing people with the words I say..
3) I hate deciding things on the spot..
So pick one option and deal with it..
And because everytime you ask me..
I would make up my mind not to do the things you ask..
A form of rebellion if you may..
It's easier to just not think about it at all..
Then again..I'm sick and tired of wilting away at home..
Might as well make myself useful..
A rare thing..as I never feel useful in my life..
Decided to attempt to pick up pieces I left months back..
Then it all falls apart..
I'm one to take successes lightly & falls heavily..
Why is it that when I've decided to do something significant..
Something would happen and I'll just lose interest..
I know life is all about the ups and downs..
But when it always happens at crucial points..
It hits one hard..
Now I'm guessing I'll let things fall..
And take a while before picking them up again perhaps..

Thursday, July 22, 2010

No idea why the sudden mood to blog..

Just felt that today's weather is really perfect..

The cooling and fresh breeze wafting in from the windows..

The grey clouds covering the sky..

Feels so refreshing..

So relaxed..

Makes me feel like I could just sit back and not do anything..

The perfect weather ever..

But then..I have no idea what am I feeling now..

It feels like nostalgia yet not..

Feels like sorrow yet not..

Feels calming yet turbulent inside..

More of yearning but for what I do not know..

Like having a hole but unable to fill it to the brim no matter how hard I try..

Must be all the books I'm devouring at home..

All those talks of the fantasy world that I'll never be a part of..

All those mentions of hate and love, rights and wrongs..

All those indications of having another half of your soul..

Must be all the time I'm wasting at home..

All those blanks spaces for daydreaming..

All those peace for imagining..

All those periods of silence that makes me yearn for the impossible..

There have to be a reason for what I'm experiencing..

All these time the wind just continue to blow over me..

It makes me wonder if there is anyone out there feeling the same tug of the wind..

A cleansing feeling..

Sudden thought of uselessness..

I had never excelled in anything..

Not in studies, not in sports..

Not in anything at all..

So easily dropping something once there is no longer any interest..

Makes me feel so inferior as compared to the others..

Others who are proficient and know what they want..

Is it because of my lack of interest in anything..

Is it because of me not knowing what I want..

Is it because I cannot have any interest..

Or is it because I do not want to have anything to do with it?

I'm confused..

Many times I just have the urge to just lie down and let the world just pass by..

Just let time flow and forget..

I do not see the need for wind to be wasted to cool me down..

Do not see the need for me around..

Not see the need to waste the air around me..

I'm really useless after all..

Saturday, May 08, 2010

Looks like I'm a disappointment again..

Didn't make it to any local university..

Guessed I've known that chances are slim..

But I wonder what is this feeling..

I'm not wallowing in sorrow..

There's nothing to regret because I known I'd done my best..

Especially in my studies..

I really tried hard..

Perhaps I studied hard but not smart..

My results just don't seem to reflect my efforts..

Seriously have no idea what is this I'm feeling..

All I know now is that I have a go and find a damn job..

She's disappointed with me..

Guessed that's a natural reaction..

I bet she never believed I tried my best in my studies..

She's been bugging me to get a job..

Now I'm seriously irritated at her insistance..

Why can't I just rot at home and just leave me alone..

Everyone just looks at the end results..

No one looks at the efforts put in..

I don't know what to do..

I'm seriously sick of this type of living..

A home where results are important..

I really cannot stand all of them..

But there is no way to escape..

I should start to promise myself to leave this place..

But I haven't had the heart and motivation to do so..

I think..

This feeling is called "resignation".

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I've been dreaming these days..
In those dreams..
I am in a crowd..
There is a festival going on from the looks of it..
But I do not hear the noises of the festival..
Not the shouts of children..
Not the cries of the peddlers..
But instead..
I hear a guy..
He says: "What do you want?"
"If you want flowers, I'll have flowers by your bed every night."
"If you want jewels, I'll get one bigger than your eye."
"If you want to be queen, I'll conquer a kingdom for you."
"I'll do anything for you."
"Let's just stay together, even if it's only a dream."

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

There is no long anymore school to attend..
No longer any important lecture to rmb..
I'm just staying at home..
I don't wanna go anywhere..
There is nothing I want to do in particular..
There are always times where you made me so mad..
The way how you say things made it sound like you never want to see me..
Made it sound like you hated me..
I'm fine with it..
Just stop nagging me to do things I have no wish to..
You keep saying it's for my own good..
But have you ever realised something?
All this while..
I have been trying not to made you angry..
Because I know he always does so I try not to..
I really want someone to understand..
Sometimes when I say "I'm okay.",
I want someone to look at me in the eye and say
"I know you are not."

Thursday, March 04, 2010

First week after the unofficial grad..

No more FYP no more studies for the time being..

Looks like there's boring days ahead..

Need a job to keep me busy..

And not to nua everywhere all the time..

Got some temp work in NP..

8 days..

9-6pm..

Should be fine I guess..

Mummy is paying me to help her too..XD

Money money~~ <3

Should be heading down to NTU this sat for the open house..

Hope it wont be a waste of time..

Oh well..

I do hav some time to waste anyways..

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Last day of exams..

A time of rejoicement..

Sadly, so not the case..

It's time to get back all those lost sleep..

Those time that was exchanged for trying to cram more shit into my brain..

Moreover, there is still FYP external presentation to do..

The results of the poster presentation was announced..

Unfortunately..we were not one of the winners..

Feeling guilty that my major-sigh-into-microphone stunt might be the cause of the drop in marks..

Seriously hope that is not true..

I'll never live it down if that is the case..

But still..

There is still the external presentation to work hard for..

Thanking all those people who said they would come down and give moral support..

There is still a chance that we can score..

I fervently hope so..

Anyways..

Time to do the admission process for university..

Another major crossroad..

1st March is the presentation..

This time I'm going to look at the empty chairs and present..

Hopefully no more major-sigh-that-even-the-deaf-can-hear..